I feel like a prayer mooch... I'm always asking for prayers.
But this time I'm really scared.
Tomorrow is our meeting at the adoption agency. We meet with our Social Worker and with the Branch Director to find out if we are able to continue the Home Study after our forced break from June '09. (We began the adoption process last January '09, and began the Home Study in February.)
I am so nervous. The nature of our inability to adopt right now is such that, if we are told we cannot continue, we will not be able to begin elsewhere for quite some time. I know this sounds so cryptic, but I really don't feel comfortable getting into more detail. It's too depressing.
There is the possibility that we will be able to continue despite the set-backs, though. And that is what I am petitioning prayers for. If I am ever going to get pregnant, it will be over the next 3-4 months when I am doing every immune treatment available to me simultaneously, as well as hormonal support both pre and post-Peak. If I do not get pregnant over the next 3-4 months, I will not get pregnant ever. This is the honest to God truth. I absolutely cannot implant without Lovenox, and I most likely cannot conceive without Intralipids and steroids. And I'm not going to take these meds indefinately. I will give it 3-4 more months.
So, if I am also told that we can't get Home Study approved, what does that mean for us? It means that absolutely, positively, I will not be a mother for years and years at least, and possibly never. I will never get a call that a birthmother has chosen me, or that a baby has been born and I can come pick them up.
A good analogy would that I am to adoption as a woman with a hysterectomy is to fertility/infertility. Sure, some women with endometriosis, PCOS, etc. etc. may complain that they are "unlikely" to get pregnant with their ailments, but they have a womb, and they have ovaries. Therefore, there's always THE CHANCE.
I do not have ANY CHANCE at becoming a mother... not through adoption, anyway... not right now...
I can tell that a deep, deep depression is on the horizon should none of this work out soon. I only want to do God's will, this is true. But I won't understand why He's decided to make the journey so much harder for us than (seemingly) for anyone else. All I want is the approval to adopt, and then, I swear, I'd be happy to wait 14 years for the baby!!! I've never known ANYONE who was Home Study approved and "pregnant on paper" who didn't eventually get placed with their child. I know for CERTAIN that it would happen... in His time.
But what could be the reason for making us wait to get that approval to adopt?? Why are we being told by people who don't even know us that we are not fit to parent? This just breaks my heart.
So, your prayers are greatly appreciated for tomorrow's appointment at 3:00pm EST. The hour of Divine Mercy. Let's hope...