Through the grace of God, we have been able to get through the past several days, one hour at a time. There is just so much going on, none of it good. Did I mention that the RE called me at home with my estradiol results after the ultrasound, and warned me not to exercise or do any heavy lifting because I may risk ovarian torsion with all of those large cysts?? Nice. He said it most likely would not come to that, though, because there was "literally no room left for your ovary to twist."
I mean, my head is spinning from all of this. I don't know what to be most concerned about anymore.
Next weekend we are going on a Marriage Encounter. I think we SERIOUSLY need this, and I am really hoping nothing happens to disrupt those plans.
I keep coming back to the thought that no suffering is in vain. While I may not have any answers right now, and I may very well never have any answers in this life, I do feel confident that this suffering is for a greater good. It would be wonderful to say someday in the future, "Oh, that time of suffering was all for THIS wonderful thing that happened in my life!" But in this case, I really and truly believe that my DH and I are suffering through this for the sake of the suffering itself. I don't know if that makes ANY sense. But it feels as if we are being crucified on our cross because that is the most perfect, holy, and complete way to suffer.
After all, this blog is entitled, "This Cross I Embrace." It is not called, "This Cross I Question, Reject, Avoid, and Will Only Accept if I Know it Will Lead Me to My Happy Ending."
While this semi-understanding has helped me to keep going, it certainly has not lessened the pain in any way. Nor has it made us feel any less alone. But was Jesus Himself spared the pain of His Passion? Did not every one of His apostles (save John) leave Him alone on that Good Friday? If Jesus couldn't escape it, what makes me think I can?
I've also been thinking a lot about my future, and my vocation. I need to face the truth that, as painful as it may be, I may never be a mother. Now, I have always believed (even gone so far as to preach) that the desire for motherhood is a good and holy desire given us from God. Furthermore, I believe that God would not give us that desire for a very special and holy vocation without fulfilling it one day. And I do also believe that God can move mountains. I have seen His glorious works very recently in so many of my blogging friends' lives, and I know He only wants good for all of us.
But maybe, just maybe, my desire for motherhood was placed on my heart so that this period of suffering in my life would be more complete, more whole. Maybe at the end of this cross, we will come to the conclusion that our marriage is our vocation, and service to others and our Church is God's will for our lives. And maybe at that time, I will no longer desire motherhood. As unfathomable as it seems now, if we believe God can move mountains, we must also believe that He can change our desires.
Many times throughout this cross, I have felt like I was in the pit of despair (no Princess Bride reference intended) and darkness... but I had no idea what despair truly was until now. I know, without a doubt, that we are now at our Golgotha, being crucified upon our cross. And it hurts. It is worse than anything I have ever experienced.
At the same time, it is, dare I say, renewing. I know that some time soon, some huge change will come into our lives. We will begin our climb back up out of the pit, and we will have a new meaning for our lives. And by the grace of God, we will be stronger individuals, a stronger couple.
While we wait, we continue to embrace the cross we've been nailed to, hoping to find meaning on the other side.