Thursday, January 21, 2010

Anniversary of Sorts

On this day 14 years ago, I got an answer to a prayer. A prayer I had been praying for about 5 years. A prayer very similar to the prayer I've been praying for the past 4 years.

That prayer was to begin my vocation. (Well, except that literally, it was for me to finally PHYSICALLY become a woman... i.e. get my first period.)

I was 14 and 1/2 years old. I literally felt like the last girl my age to not be menstruating... to not be a woman. I prayed and prayed and prayed, so hard, every night. Why? I'd like to think it was a little more than my desire for boobs that drove the fire behind my daily pleas with God. No, I imagine that in my own young adolescent way, I knew that in beginning my cycles, I was beginning the path to motherhood - the path I've ALWAYS known I was born to travel.

And how ironic that 14 years later, I am praying for my period to STOP showing up. Oh, God, Your sense of humor is wonderful.

I am trying to understand why I am being asked to suffer in this way, and how I can suffer well. Yes, you read that correctly. I don't want all this CRAPSHITBULLPOOP (sorry, mild case of Tourette's) that I'm going through right now to be in vain. I want it to be purposeful, and if it can't help ME, to at least help SOMEBODY. Because, really, are you kidding me with this shit??

Suffering comes in all forms. And yes, IF is one of the biggest forms I've yet to experience. But it's so much more than that. I could handle the ups and downs of IF. OK, maybe not WELL, at least not all the time, but I handled them. But I don't know how anyone could say that what we're experiencing right now is not God's almighty Hand physically putting barriers on our road/s to parenthood.

This just in: I had a more detailed ultrasound today to see the cyst up close and personal (and Misfit, no, I don't TV-probe myself, though I've been tempted)... and my transabdominal ultrasound from yesterday was waaaaay off. I don't have a cyst on my left ovary. I have FIVE ginormous cysts on my left ovary, and a couple on my right, as well! (Just where they came from, who knows, I thought that ovary was out of business.) Nothing, nowhere, looked like a corpus luteum. So, to me this means that even with a TRIGGER SHOT of hCG, I didn't rupture any of those five follicles. I'm not a Dr, but this is my big suspicion. My P+7 estradiol was 3258 (yes, you read that correctly, too) and progesterone was 57... but still, I think they poofed up, luteinized, but never ruptured.

As Sew brought up, this (in a miniscule way) is good news. It means I never had a shot this cycle. So, my Colossal Failure Cycle with injectables/Intralipids is really just another of the same ol'/same ol' failures. But, let's just take a look closer, shall we? My ovaries have just started to refuse to do something they've been doing perfectly well for the past 3 years NOW??? How else am I to interpret that besides it is God's will for me to NOT get pregnant?
And furthermore, with all the adoption hold-ups, denials, roadblocks... it's pretty clear He isn't intending for us to just "wait it out" and one day we'll get that wonderful adoption match or placement. Sure, maybe we'll get "that call" someday. Maybe some distant relative of a relative's friend knows of a baby who was just born, yada yada... but how lovely to have to say, "No thank you" to a baby because some really important people I don't know have decided I am not fit to be a mother... but thanks so much, anyway!

When I said I was at the end of my rope, I meant it. This is so much more than "waiting." Everyone else waits with a purpose. I see no purpose in my current situation, and I am beyond frustrated with that.

Please dear God, let me know how I am to use this seemingly meaningless, fruitless suffering.

Oh. And thanks for the period 14 years ago today. Not like I needed it after all.


Bonnie said...

No no no no no! I refuse to believe that this is the end. I can't believe for you there is no children coming in your future. It doesn't make sense. It's not right.

If anything, you have helped me. You have helped me with the MTHFR information as well as the doctor information. I am seriously thinking about going to Dr. K-K over my spring break. I even name dropped her at my last GP appointment. I am sure you have also helped tons of others.

I'm still not understanding the whole adoption hault thing. It's none of my buisiness, but if you want to talk you know my email. I am starting over with a new agency/attorney. I know you've financially invested in the homestudy you've already tried - but I fail to believe you won't be approved by another social worker. We were honest as apple pie with our worker and were approved. i even went in depth about our IF and sobbed on a few occassions. I think you got a bad one. Seriously. Their job shouldn't be haulting dreams, but helping them. I don't want these social workers feeding you a load of bullshit. There are tons of other agencies with very willing social workers.

Sissy said...

Oh, TCIE, I am so sorry you are in this situation. It sucks. It really does. And I don't have much to say.

mrsblondies said...

I'm so sorry about the cysts and the failure of this cycle. I'll be praying for you because that's all I can do.

Sew said...

I know for a fact that this suffering right now is not fruitless even though you see it as that.

I just don't believe it. Just like K and I were talking about doors slamming in her face at every single turn. Being supplemented on progesterone and her numbers being so low, whacked out cycles just before her adoption.

I know that hearing others people's stories are not comforting, but I do believe her story is VERY comforting to all of us.

It doesn't make sense...but stealing this from adoption report blog...

Your Cross - St Francis de Sales
+ + + The everlasting God has in His wisdom foreseen from eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost heart. This cross He now sends you He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with His divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with loving arms and weighed with His own hands to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. He has blessed it with His holy Name, anointed it with His consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all-merciful love of God.

You have a gift of teaching, of being a practitioner, of being a great friend, of working towards your goals by going to classes to help women. You are being taught so much to aid other women by the knowledge you have gained through your teaching and through your suffering.

God is using you every single day. He is using your nothingness that you feel for the better good.

We might not see it this side of heaven, but honey, when he places that crown on your head and enters you into His house by saying Good job, my faithful servent. You will then realize all that you were able to do.

You will be a mother, keep up the good fight, and remember the resurrection is coming. I know you can do it! I know you will make it through this in one piece even though it feels like you are being torn to pieces.

The barren tree is you, Knowing that its fulfilling God's will,
its strength fuels its perseverance in standing tall and still .

Lady, take this damn word verification off now! :)

Second Chances said...

I'm so sorry you're in agony right now. I do believe, like Sew, that your suffering is NOT in vein. Our sufferings never are. I will pray for this to be lifted from you. Soon!

Life In Mazes said...

I am still praying and beleiving for you! When you are weak, we will lift you up! Don't give up, you are one of the strongest women I know and you are a mother of sorts to so many people.
I have been praying my morning rosary for you. I wish I could do more for you! Big hugs!

the misfit said...

I am relieved to hear that you're not wanding yourself.

What you're describing sounds like luteinized unruptured follicle syndrome...have I got that right? I know other IFers have had that (I haven't that I know of, but I guess I really don't know), and I thought the RE community had some sort of treatment regimen up its collective sleeve to help with that. So, while the last thing you want is YET ANOTHER diagnosis that provides an explanation, but mostly further delay, maybe you could get this fixed??

I'm hoping you can, anyway, and pronto.

prayerfuljourney said...

I have to believe there is a purpose to our IF suffering. I wouldn't understand the "why" otherwise. I know what you mean about getting a monthly cycle when so means "nothing". It does me no good either. It makes me suffer with bloat, headaches, hormonal issues, etc, etc. Ugh!

You have definitely been a pluthera of information for us IFers. You have helped many without even knowing it. Praying for you as you continue on this frustrating journey. Lord willing, you'll get the answer your heart desires.

Fertile Thoughts said...

How can your p+7 results be so wonderfully high but your follicles not rupture? I don't get it!!! I am praying for you. When do you go see Dr. KK again?

WheelbarrowRider said...

Can you up the hcg amt to make them rupture? Dr. H will have an answer (or Dr. S or whomeve you see) and I am very curious to see what you find out. We will look back on this and it will be one more piece to the big picture, I know it. I am so sorry for your suffering!
Btw, I have lutenized unruptured follice syndrome. Mine don't rupture but eventually fill up with debris. It is "fixed" by clomid and hcg I though, which you are already on rt?!

Sew said...

I can't believe you know the date you got your first period. Do you have a photographic memory.

Why isn't this word verification off lady? You don't have an excuse today LADY!

Sew said...


Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

Get over it, Sew!

And when you're waiting for something for SO FREAKING LONG, you tend to remember the date. Kinda like how us IFers will always remember the date of our very first BFP, right??

K and T said...

I go back and forth wondering what things are trials God has laid before us and what is simply because we live in a fallen world.
Things are no longer perfect like they were, for a short time, in the beginning.
I do know this - and this is what I cling to in the midst of our chaos.
He WILL work all things for good, for those who love Him.
He will work all things for good.
He will.

Hafsa said...

Praying for you my friend :)