On this day 14 years ago, I got an answer to a prayer. A prayer I had been praying for about 5 years. A prayer very similar to the prayer I've been praying for the past 4 years.
That prayer was to begin my vocation. (Well, except that literally, it was for me to finally PHYSICALLY become a woman... i.e. get my first period.)
I was 14 and 1/2 years old. I literally felt like the last girl my age to not be menstruating... to not be a woman. I prayed and prayed and prayed, so hard, every night. Why? I'd like to think it was a little more than my desire for boobs that drove the fire behind my daily pleas with God. No, I imagine that in my own young adolescent way, I knew that in beginning my cycles, I was beginning the path to motherhood - the path I've ALWAYS known I was born to travel.
And how ironic that 14 years later, I am praying for my period to STOP showing up. Oh, God, Your sense of humor is wonderful.
I am trying to understand why I am being asked to suffer in this way, and how I can suffer well. Yes, you read that correctly. I don't want all this CRAPSHITBULLPOOP (sorry, mild case of Tourette's) that I'm going through right now to be in vain. I want it to be purposeful, and if it can't help ME, to at least help SOMEBODY. Because, really, are you kidding me with this shit??
Suffering comes in all forms. And yes, IF is one of the biggest forms I've yet to experience. But it's so much more than that. I could handle the ups and downs of IF. OK, maybe not WELL, at least not all the time, but I handled them. But I don't know how anyone could say that what we're experiencing right now is not God's almighty Hand physically putting barriers on our road/s to parenthood.
This just in: I had a more detailed ultrasound today to see the cyst up close and personal (and Misfit, no, I don't TV-probe myself, though I've been tempted)... and my transabdominal ultrasound from yesterday was waaaaay off. I don't have a cyst on my left ovary. I have FIVE ginormous cysts on my left ovary, and a couple on my right, as well! (Just where they came from, who knows, I thought that ovary was out of business.) Nothing, nowhere, looked like a corpus luteum. So, to me this means that even with a TRIGGER SHOT of hCG, I didn't rupture any of those five follicles. I'm not a Dr, but this is my big suspicion. My P+7 estradiol was 3258 (yes, you read that correctly, too) and progesterone was 57... but still, I think they poofed up, luteinized, but never ruptured.
As Sew brought up, this (in a miniscule way) is good news. It means I never had a shot this cycle. So, my Colossal Failure Cycle with injectables/Intralipids is really just another of the same ol'/same ol' failures. But, let's just take a look closer, shall we? My ovaries have just started to refuse to do something they've been doing perfectly well for the past 3 years NOW??? How else am I to interpret that besides it is God's will for me to NOT get pregnant?
And furthermore, with all the adoption hold-ups, denials, roadblocks... it's pretty clear He isn't intending for us to just "wait it out" and one day we'll get that wonderful adoption match or placement. Sure, maybe we'll get "that call" someday. Maybe some distant relative of a relative's friend knows of a baby who was just born, yada yada... but how lovely to have to say, "No thank you" to a baby because some really important people I don't know have decided I am not fit to be a mother... but thanks so much, anyway!
When I said I was at the end of my rope, I meant it. This is so much more than "waiting." Everyone else waits with a purpose. I see no purpose in my current situation, and I am beyond frustrated with that.
Please dear God, let me know how I am to use this seemingly meaningless, fruitless suffering.
Oh. And thanks for the period 14 years ago today. Not like I needed it after all.