The "issue" that arose back in June has arisen again. This morning. I can't go into detail, but suffice to say, there goes our shot at ever completing the Homestudy with our current agency. (It's already the 11th month since we started the adoption process.)
If we were to start all over again, fresh, with a new agency or private adoption, it would require money. Of which we have none. And I mean, no income. Sure I get $ here and there from Creighton follow-ups, but that pretty much pays for my monthly vitamins. DH is not paid a salary, and has not been given ANY payments in over 4 months.
I can't even describe how I feel right now. Infertility sucks. NO. DOUBT. ABOUT. IT. But somehow, this is so much worse. Maybe because it was not infertility that lead me to adoption. I have always wanted to adopt, and in college, me and my 2 BFFs sat down and wrote a list of 5 things we planned to accomplish with our lives. On my list was: "To adopt at least 1 child." On my list was NOT: "To have at least 1 biological child."
To have my womb sewn shut by God is an excruciating pain, but one that I was learning to live with. To have society, on the other hand, tell me, "You can not, shall not, will not ever be a mother" is more than I can bear. Every night in my prayers, I pray for healing, yes, but my words are for me and my husband to become parents in ANY WAY. I was so honestly ecstatic during the adoption process (before June), that we were finally going to become parents. I didn't need to mourn the loss of having biological children, as some of the agencies recommend you do, because pregnancy was never my ultimate goal. Motherhood was.
When this first happened, it occurred to me that maybe God intended for our first child to be from my womb. So I went headfirst into immune testing/treatment and discovered a diagnosis which will affect my fertility forever. My clotting factors. Proven by Doppler ultrasound, I have ZERO BLOODFLOW to the zone of implantation, even with 40 mgs of Lovenox streaming through my arteries. This means, I will never, CAN never, get pregnant and implant unless I am taking twice daily injections.
And that is not something that a) I can afford to do for another 20 years, or b) is healthy to do for another 20 years. At some point, yes, I will need to stop TTC. Unlike many other people, who may always have "the chance" of conceiving some day, I will not.
And now my only other road to motherhood has been shut down.
I received this news, by the way, as I sat in the parking lot of the spa, about to head in for a facial, manicure, and haircut (cashing in some birthday gift cards). All I wanted to do this morning was pretend, if only for a moment, that I was a normal, happy, woman with no cares in the world.
I am having a very difficult time right now, and I apologize if this blog is depressing. Feel free not to read. What is the most upsetting to me is that I am feeling a complete resentment toward God. All throughout the awful turn of events through the past 3 1/2 years, I have turned to Him, prayed for guidance, asked for understanding. And now I am just so mad that He has allowed this to happen. He has allowed me to get to the point where I am turning my back on Him. And that is not ok. If I can't turn to Him, who can I turn to?
Tomorrow is our Infertility Support Group at the Diocese. The poor priest and spiritual director who is hosting is going to be walking right into a lion's den! I am going to bombard him with questions... and I only hope the Holy Spirit is with that poor man. God has some 'splaining to do.