Friday, November 20, 2009

Adoption Update

The "issue" that arose back in June has arisen again. This morning. I can't go into detail, but suffice to say, there goes our shot at ever completing the Homestudy with our current agency. (It's already the 11th month since we started the adoption process.)

If we were to start all over again, fresh, with a new agency or private adoption, it would require money. Of which we have none. And I mean, no income. Sure I get $ here and there from Creighton follow-ups, but that pretty much pays for my monthly vitamins. DH is not paid a salary, and has not been given ANY payments in over 4 months.

I can't even describe how I feel right now. Infertility sucks. NO. DOUBT. ABOUT. IT. But somehow, this is so much worse. Maybe because it was not infertility that lead me to adoption. I have always wanted to adopt, and in college, me and my 2 BFFs sat down and wrote a list of 5 things we planned to accomplish with our lives. On my list was: "To adopt at least 1 child." On my list was NOT: "To have at least 1 biological child."

To have my womb sewn shut by God is an excruciating pain, but one that I was learning to live with. To have society, on the other hand, tell me, "You can not, shall not, will not ever be a mother" is more than I can bear. Every night in my prayers, I pray for healing, yes, but my words are for me and my husband to become parents in ANY WAY. I was so honestly ecstatic during the adoption process (before June), that we were finally going to become parents. I didn't need to mourn the loss of having biological children, as some of the agencies recommend you do, because pregnancy was never my ultimate goal. Motherhood was.

When this first happened, it occurred to me that maybe God intended for our first child to be from my womb. So I went headfirst into immune testing/treatment and discovered a diagnosis which will affect my fertility forever. My clotting factors. Proven by Doppler ultrasound, I have ZERO BLOODFLOW to the zone of implantation, even with 40 mgs of Lovenox streaming through my arteries. This means, I will never, CAN never, get pregnant and implant unless I am taking twice daily injections.

And that is not something that a) I can afford to do for another 20 years, or b) is healthy to do for another 20 years. At some point, yes, I will need to stop TTC. Unlike many other people, who may always have "the chance" of conceiving some day, I will not.

And now my only other road to motherhood has been shut down.

I received this news, by the way, as I sat in the parking lot of the spa, about to head in for a facial, manicure, and haircut (cashing in some birthday gift cards). All I wanted to do this morning was pretend, if only for a moment, that I was a normal, happy, woman with no cares in the world.

I am having a very difficult time right now, and I apologize if this blog is depressing. Feel free not to read. What is the most upsetting to me is that I am feeling a complete resentment toward God. All throughout the awful turn of events through the past 3 1/2 years, I have turned to Him, prayed for guidance, asked for understanding. And now I am just so mad that He has allowed this to happen. He has allowed me to get to the point where I am turning my back on Him. And that is not ok. If I can't turn to Him, who can I turn to?

Tomorrow is our Infertility Support Group at the Diocese. The poor priest and spiritual director who is hosting is going to be walking right into a lion's den! I am going to bombard him with questions... and I only hope the Holy Spirit is with that poor man. God has some 'splaining to do.


Life In Mazes said...

My heart just broke as I read the sorrow you are experiencing.

I have to tell you that in some ways I can understand why you feel so depressed. To have fallen in love with adoption and desire with your whole heart to be a mother in that way and not be clinging to a pregnancy to get there and having something HUGE and seemingly unmovable in the way is so hard to reconcile with right now or at all. Yes, that was a run-on sentence.
I am going to be praying for you because it feels so lonely in this place.
When your heart is called and the bridge is not there to cross to get there is miserable.
Big hugs to you!!!

Percolating Petals said...

TCIE, I hope you continue to post your feelings, downtrodden or not. You never know if a silent reader may be feeling the same thing and experience relief knowing that she is not alone.

What a horrible setback. I wish I had some answers, or at least a magic wand. I'll pray for you at adoration.

Unknown said...

I don't know the details of your situation so I don't know if this is a moot point, but have you looked into adopting from the foster system? It's a whole different ballgame than adopting from a private agency. Just a thought. Forgive me if this isn't what you wanted to hear.

I am so sorry for what you are going though. It isn't fair. AT ALL. But I know that God is a loving Father, and he will make it all right in the end. He has numbered your tears and will make it up to you in His time. I feel a very big miracle in your future.

prayerfuljourney said...

Gosh...I haven't had a good experience with adoption either. The agency we used just does not have birthmoms coming in who don't want to parent their baby. They come in because they want hand outs. LOL! Oh well...such is our society. It's the world we live in that has made IF and adoption so tough on us prolifers! We all have to stick by God. As hard as it gets...we just have to keep praying and believing this is all part of God's plan for us. Whether on earth or in heaven..happiness awaits. I just have to believe that. I'm praying for you and your dh.

BTW: Don't read my most recent post if you're looking for happy won't find any there. :(

Anonymous said...

It's the "never, ever" that is the abyss I don't want to look into for me as well. I think I always had a sense that adoption wasn't easy - or cheap (but I still had no idea!), so it wasn't a first choice, but I have discussed adopting with anyone I was serious with. It still blows my mind that we can't.

Write what you need to - with you in my thoughts and prayers

Beth said...

Uggggggggggg I'm so sorry.

Any chance you could get an additional job and save up for private adoption? Or what about your dh?

And I second the foster to adopt. That's what we were doing before M.

You're in our prayers, I'm so sorry.

Grace in my Heart said...

I am so so sorry, A. I can't imagine all that you are going through right now. I'm so glad you have your meeting tomorrow so you can get some spiritual direction and support. All of this will make sense one are in my prayers.

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

I did just do some research into foster to adopt... the thing is, if we start over with ANYONE else (foster/international/private adoption), we will need to start out by lying. Telling the truth is what got us into this mess. And neither of us are keen on lying to get a baby, but at the same time, we're fed up with the system.
As for fostering in our State, it is like 99.9% AA children. At this time, where we currently live, we didn't feel right about being able to provide everything needed for a transracial adoption.

I'll update more if I have any epiphanies at the support group this morning.

LifeHopes said...


There are just no words to express the frustration I feel on your behalf right now. I am SO sorry you guys are having to deal with this.

The thing is, there is NO doubt you'd make an AWESOME mother and your DH would make an AWESOME Dad. Seriously, any kid would be so lucky to wind up with you all as parents. So I did want to encourage you in that, in case the devil tries to creep in and lie to you on that point. But I imagine you KNOW this is true, which adds to your frustration.

So I have a logistical question: With foster to adopt, do you still have to be "homestudy approved" in the same way as with a private adoption?

The other question I had was whether you could give it all a little bit of time (say, 6 months to a year) then pick it back up with a whole other agency that might view things differently regarding things that have happened in the past.

Somehow I just can't believe this is the end for you, even though it might really feel that way right now.

I am praying my heart out for a way out of this for you guys.

KC said...

Oh my gosh, I am so so sorry. This is just heartbreaking. I cannot believe it has come to this and I cannot even imagine the pain/anger you must feel.

This is completely unfair. I don't get how someone like you could get turned down. Obviously I don't know the details but it sounds like maybe something from the past or family/medical history of some sort? It just is not fair that something like that could keep you from being able to adopt.

Grrr...this type of stuff just makes me want to strangle the next person who says to me..."why don't you JUST adopt." Seriously...

Big hugs...I wish there was something I could do. :(

JellyBelly said...

I wish that I had a magic wand to make all of the homestudy business go away. Honestly, you've been through enough!!!!

I just don't understand why the "system" is making it so hard for you to grow your family. What you're asking for shouldn't be impossible.

Mr. JB and I were talking this morning about one his colleagues that is off on mat leave. She was complaining (as she did so often when she was pg) that she wasn't ready to be a mother. I felt all of the venom and anger that I have in my body just bubble. There doesn't seem to be any justice.

Why does it seem like everyone else (especially the birth controlling, non-practicing Catholics!!!) can get pregnant, but those of us that are actually following the "rules" are punished.

I'm praying for you. I wish I lived closer so I could give you a great big hug (and a glass of wine!).

Sissy said...

I still don't understand all this, but I am hopeful that someday, something will work out. I'll be praying for you.

WheelbarrowRider said...

I am sorry all of this is going on! I know this is a setback, but these types of things are almost always temporary. God can work through these obstacles, as others have said, you can't see around the corner. Take this time to rest in Him, trust in Him, ask Him what His will is and listen. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. St. Raphael can be for physical and spiritual healing. I will keep up the novena!

Maria said...

My heart goes out to you! I feel just like you do right now. I didn't get my period this month so I thought -"Oooh, maybe I'm pregnant! At last!" Well, I took a test yesterday and nope - NOT pregnant! Then yesterday I hear about a few people having second and third babies. Why is it that these people are able to get pregnant and not me? I just don't understand why.

It just makes me feel so sad and discouraged. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers!

May God Bless you!

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

My heart is so sad reading your post. God's ways are so mysterious to us. I cannot understand why you're going through this. I am praying for you!

Rachael said...

My heart breaks for you, and OF COURSE you are feeling down. I will continue to pray for you, and hope that somehow things will turn around so that you will become a mom. I wish I had something more encouraging to add. You are always so helpful on the CF list...and I feel like I have nothing to offer you. Please be assured of my prayers...

Kathryn said...

Ugh. I am so sorry. I don't understand this at all. I feel so frustrated reading this, so I can only imagine how you feel. I am praying that somehow this gets resolved quickly.
This is a heavy cross that God is allowing you to carry...but know that He is suffering with you. He is heartbroken over your pain.

Karey said...

I'm so sorry. God can move mountains, just remember that. Although trust me.. I know it's one thing to believe He is *capable* of moving mountains, while it can be pretty difficult to believe He will choose to move them in our own lives. But He can, and He will.

Just keep in mind the words I heard this past week - God loves you and has not abandoned you!

Bonnie said...

OMG!!! I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now. It sucks and it does not make any sense at all. I can't believe the adoption door has been slammed shut for you both, that is crazy. I don't know what kind of agency you were working with, but that is insane. I have heard horror stories about bad homestudies and I was very on edge when we did ours. I got to choose my social worker, however, and I think that made all the difference. I know it's $$, but maybe you are being rerouted to a better outcome somehow? I don't know, nothing else makes sense.

I hope that whereever you are being lead, biological or adoptive, your child is coming soon. Get mad and scream and yell. It totally sucks and you don't deserve it girl.

The only suggestion I have is to get the word out to friends and people in your church family that you are open to adoption hould they have a lead, you can bypass the agency route. Hopefully someone will know someone who is looking into adoption also.

keep calm and carry on... said...

we haven't really made any decision on pursing adoption, and the road seems just as hard as IF. prayers and hugs!

i hope your meeting went well, and you were able to find some peace and some answers ;)

Jasmine said...

I don't know if this helps, but my hope was never in the idea that I'd someday be a mother (though that was my desire and my pain), but that even in the brokenness and pain, that somehow there would be enough grace for it all. So my hope wasn't in a child, but ultimately in Christ. This didn't make me feel happy or remove the sadness, it was an ascent to truth and that is all. It also protected me from the highs and lows of each cycle. I talked about this with my spiritual director, a good and holy priest, and he said my understanding of hope was correct. Drawing from hope isn't necessarily about being happy, but about drawing courage and strength and knowing His will is perfect, as painful as it might seem today. This is like walking in Abraham's footsteps when he had to offer his son Issac.

Over the years I went through so much spiritual purification in my IF. Satan beat up on me a lot during this time. I believed his lies. But several years into my journey, I saw this cross as not so much as something to carry that I was assigned. But more that because God trusted me so much to suffer this. I became a victim like Christ. To be like Simon and asked to carry with Him. To suffer through no fault of my own. To suffer for the sins of others. (Dr. Toth multiple generation vertical infection patient).

I once learned from Tim Grey, the scripture scholar, the concept that like Jacob, man wrestles with God, because we do not trust His heart. The heart of God. That really resonated with me. My pain was rooted in not believing that God could ever want good for me. I did not trust His heart.

I share this with you to hopefully give light. You will be in my prayers...

Anonymous said...

DH and I were just struggling with this the other night - seeing so many couples who want to be parents so badly get turned away or taking years to be "allowed" to parent. It just doesn't seem right. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through :(.

Thankful said...

TCIE, this is so sad. I am sorry.