Some of you have been wondering why I've been so absent lately.
Mostly, it's because of how busy I've been, particularly with all the long-distance Intros and follow-ups (what was I thinking???) but also because I'm in a spiritual slump.
For a while now, I've been having a really tough time, and what's new for me is that it is spiritual in origin. Usually the infertility gets to me physically, emotionally, or psychologically (or all 3 on a really good day), but what has remained pretty stable has been the spiritual side. While I may not always understand God's will for me, I have trusted that He has my best interests in mind at all times.
But not lately.
Lately, I have been really struggling. I mean it. Really.
The place I desperately want to get to is a place of peace and joy with this cross that God has entrusted to me. And right now, all I can focus on is the end result of a pregnancy or an adoption. Both of which seem incredibly dismal at this point.
But I do NOT want to finally be delivered of this suffering by achieving WHAT I WANT. (I have a hard time articulating this, so just bear with me for a second.) I don't want a pregnancy or an adoption to be what makes me finally say, "God is so good!" or "Praise God, because NOW I am complete and so happy!" Does this make any sense? I want to reach a place of peacefulness and resolve without necessarily getting the fruit of MY desires. And I have no idea how to do that. Because my desires are so strong right now, and the devil keeps getting into my head.
I have been experiencing some incredibly ugly feelings. Not just jealousy of fertile-myrtles and women I don't know who use ART and are able to achieve pregnancy... but jealousy of my own friends!! Friends who are dealing with the exact same infertility journey with a "Catholic twist." Feel free to delete me from your cell phones, because yes, LifeHopes and Sew, I had bouts of jealousy over both of you and I am ashamed to admit it and I'm going straight to hell in a handbasket. I'm so Satan-like, I even have feelings of jealousy over those who have miscarried, for crying out loud!! My thoughts go something like this: "Well, at least they get to spend eternity with their children! I'll be sitting around playing Scrabble with my husband, watching all the babies and mommies and daddies." But who am I kidding, with thoughts like those I won't be in heaven at all.
I need to find that peace I was talking about. I need it because a) if I am never able to adopt or get pregnant in this world, I do not want to be unfruitful in every other way, and waste years of the precious life I'VE been given; b) while I lead the infertility support group in the Diocese, and look into the tear-stained eyes of 43-46 yr old women who have even more reason to fear they will never be mothers, I truly want to know WHAT to say to them and HOW to best help them carry that cross (and if I can't do it myself, I can't help others); and c) if by the grace of God I ever DO achieve a pregnancy or become approved/matched/placed for an adoption, I want to be able to FULLY rejoice in the gift of life of my child - - and NOT rejoice in the fact that it is the "end of my childlessness." Again, I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me, I'm just not sure how best to express these thoughts.
The way I described it when trying to talk with my mother was comparing it to (and please don't think I'm being overdramatic here) to my grandmother's cancer. When she was in her final days, and was suffering so much, she asked my mother why she had to suffer, and my mom told her that maybe her suffering was not in reparation for anything SHE did, but rather so it could be offered for someone she loves. Her suffering then became a beautiful thing. My grandmother was NOT constantly focused on a miraculous healing. She was not thinking, "I can't wait for the end of this suffering, when I will finally have my health and be healed." She knew she was dying. And she found peace in the struggle before she went to heaven.
That's what I want. That's what I need. I don't want a child to be the "miraculous healing" of my suffering with infertility. If I am blessed with a child, I want to be prepared spiritually, and in a place where I am best able to receive that glorious gift. And if I am not blessed in that way, I want to be prepared spiritually, and in a place where I am best able to receive THAT.
I did want to tell you all, too, that I got my rose from St. Therese :) It's always a real obvious one, so I knew if I was questioning the flowers from my husband at the beginning of the Novena, that couldn't have been it.
I went to my mom's house from Sunday to Monday, and on Sunday night (which was Life Chain Sunday), my Mom asked if I needed a "rose for life" for my purse, and handed me the little red rose sticker. She had picked up a bunch of them from her parish that morning. Immediately the tears welled up, and I told her about my Novena. St. Therese ALWAYS shows me that she is listening, and praying for me... my prayers aren't always immediately answered, but her sign reminds me that I am not alone.
Sew also asked me what was going on cycle-wise with me. I'm on CD 8, and started the Lovenox 40 mgs 2 x day this cycle. Had giNORmous clots yesterday, so if there was any doubt that the clotting factor was affecting my lining, that theory was flushed down the toilet (literally). Flow has been red, and still going today, but it usually keeps going for a few days when I start the blood thinner. I'm hoping no brown this time. I'm going to give myself a transvaginal ultrasound next week during my clinical hours at the imaging center (no I'm not kidding). I did a real quick baseline scan transabdominally yesterday and saw 2 mid-sized follicles on the left ovary. I'm not a fan of my left ovary. It's the one that ovulates 85% of the time, so I think there must be something wrong with that ovary or tube based on the fact that it has never produced a pregnancy.
Sorry this post is so long. Lots going on. Please help.