I had it out with God yesterday. Right after I had it out with DH.
The fight with DH was over money (what else) and his lack of getting paid, and it left me screaming, crying, hyperventilating, and snotting all over the place.
When I finally calmed down about an hour later, I realized this wasn't about the money. This was about so much more. This was about God.
I came out from my bathroom (DH had left), and sat in my living room where I have a crucifix on 1 wall, a painting of Mary holding a baby lamb and baby Jesus on the other wall. I started crying again, looked up at the crucifix and said, "I am so mad at you." As soon as the words left my mouth, the guilt (and irony) set in. Imagine that? ME, saying to Jesus dying on the cross, put on that cross because of MY SINS, I am mad at YOU???
Though the guilt was there, the regret was not. I felt mad. I needed Him to know that. I looked across the room at Mary. I said the same thing to her. "I am mad at you and your son." I continued, "I don't WANT to be mad. And I still love you with every ounce of my being. But I just don't understand."
From then on, everything I've been burying deep inside just shot straight up, and out of my lips. I told them (Jesus and Mary, that is) that I felt worthless, that they didn't trust me with life. I said I couldn't understand how they could trust others with life when they throw it away, and then completely ignore my repeated pleading for life. I told them it didn't make sense to give life to those who have struggled for SO LONG, via pregnancy or adoption, and then take that life away. Why?? Why did He do that to such good people?
I told Him I felt neglected, as if He was waiting for me to say some magic words or do some wonderful action before He blesses me the way He has recently blessed others who have carried this cross. Why not me? What more do I have to do?
I cried to them about how in my heart I felt that the CT was going to keep me forever barren. So I yelled at them for "punishing" me with this disease, when others who make all kinds of horrible sins and show no repentance for them are still able to conceive.
I sobbed about my inability to adopt. I asked them why? Why would He call both me and my husband to adoption, why give us all the signs of when, how, and which agency to work with, when we would only be denied in the end? And if one day we are miraculously approved, why put us through that to begin with? Hadn't we experienced enough rejection at Your Hands before having to be rejected from adopting one of Your unwanted children?
I asked them why they thought I'd be such a horrible mother, because to me, this was the only explanation for withholding life from me at this point. I've become a Practitioner. I'm halfway done becoming an RDMS. What, is there more?? Do you want me to run for freaking President of the US? Well, I'm sorry, but I'm done.
And then I cried for how my anger has changed my perception of this cross. I told them, look, I have ALWAYS viewed infertility as a blessing. And now? I am beginning to resent it. I do not see it as a blessing right now, but a curse. How am I supposed to sit through an entire banquet hearing stories about women who plan to kill their babies, and view a non-stop slideshow of picture after picture of babies, and not feel cursed??? (DH called that slideshow the "All Torture, All the Time Channel." He kept saying, "Aaaaaaaaand, here's another one. And another! Look, look how easy it is to get pregnant!")
Finally, I dug in my heels like a little kid throwing a tantrum, and told them I refused to continue helping people because I no longer know how to. I have reached a point of resentment and bitterness, and I am not going to keep "putting on a happy face" for the Infertility Support Group, or for my Creighton Model infertility clients.
Of course, I knew (and He knew) that was bologna.
But just like a child throwing a tantrum, after getting it all out I did feel better. And I can't help but think that I am more like a toddler in God's eyes than I realize. I know this point has been made before (maybe by AYWH?), but when a child screams and carries on that they want ice cream for breakfast, or they don't want to go to sleep at night, the parents who say "No" are not neglecting their children, but rather doing what is best for them. And the "No" is not an everlasting "No." Just like with the ice cream, the child may be able to have ice cream after dinner that same day. And instead of staying up all night, the child will be well-rested and be able to stay awake for the next day's adventures.
I get it. Really.
But I just need a little glimpse of understanding here. If God could just tell me, "Not now, but later, and this is why..." I would feel so much better. Or, if the answer is no, you were not called to be a mother in this life, please just let me know why. I cannot go through the rest of my life being mad at God. I just can't.
Man. Infertility really SUCKS.