Sunday, August 16, 2009

"I'd Rather Have 3 Minutes of Wonderful...

than a lifetime of nothing special."

-Steel Magnolias

While that movie always makes me cry, it is also a comfort to know that the main character, Shelby, gets her wish. All she wanted was a baby, and she had one. So, really, what's sad about that?

I've had a rough couple of days, with ups and downs. DH and I made our renewal Consecration to Mary on the Assumption (Saturday), at which time we are supposed to make an offering to Mary, and give her everything in our lives. As you can probably imagine, the most difficult thing to hand over has always been our fertility, and I can personally say I've never been able to do that in the past 3 years. But on Saturday, we offered Mary our fertility, and put our trust in her maternal heart that she knows when our time is. It. Was. VERY. Hard. But we both felt a rush of calm coming over us afterwards. We are still TTC, and doing what WE can, but we've promised to remember that WE are not in control. (Easier said than done.)

This morning at Mass, we were asked to bring up the gifts. DH and I thought that was a great coincidence- not only the weekend of our Consecration, but also the weekend before our 3rd Wedding Anniversary.

Before any of this happened, Friday evening we heard that SIL is likely miscarrying. All I know so far is that she had her 1st sonogram on Friday, and she was told that for as far along as she is, they should be able to find a heartbeat. Well, they didn't. By my calculations, the earliest she possibly could have been at that time was 6 weeks... but she was more likely 7, 8, or more. So, yes, at 6 weeks they should be able to find a heartbeat. HOWEVER, that being said, I know my SIL a little too well. She once had everyone in the family mourning her premature death of cervical cancer because she got an abnormal papsmear. It turned out to be nothing more than complications from her IUD removal. So, I am waiting for more information to know what's really going on.

BUT, the fact remains that she is/was at risk for miscarriage with her previous IUD usage and other factors. I'm just not quite ready to believe it yet. I'll keep you posted on this front, but in the meantime, please pray for the baby.

On Saturday, DH and I also had our Catholic Fertility Support Group meeting. We were the only two there :) Then I went to use the bathroom (it was CD 8), and saw TEBB, tail-end brown bleeding. Fantastic. It was horribly depressing- to see a sign of my infection returning AGAIN, and realize there really is no good reason why I'm infertile. Clearly I'm not helping anyone. I'm TRYING, but they're not coming! We have guest speakers lined up for the next 2 months, so hopefully people will show up to those meetings, but c'mon!! I would have LOVED to see something like this offered in my Diocese early on in the IF journey... and I would definitely have come! It just makes me question, yet again, what my purpose is on this earth at this time. Not a mother. Not a source of support for others. So... what??

Like I said, lots of ups and downs this weekend. And so Year Three of Infertility draws to an end...


Hafsa said...

I use to love Steel Magnolias and I love the Julia Roberts character's storyline. I'm sorry to hear that your SIL is likely miscarrying.

E said...

My MIL & I just watched Steel Magnolias again! We both really enjoyed it. :)

You are a beautiful child of God. You are also a wonderful wife to your husband and a CrMS pracititioner! You are so successful on other areas, being a mother will come with time, I really believe that for you. Mary will intercede, I have faith for you.

JellyBelly said...

i have to re-watch s.teel magnolias!

please don't question your purpose. as FJIEJ said, you're a beautiful child of god and you are helping so many people as a crms.

believing that we will be mothers is the hardest thing. i could deal with all of the physical trials and the surgeries, it's my wavering belief that i will be a mother that gets me.

but we're lucky, we have friends that believe for us. it will happen for you, i know it will. the how, i'm not sure, but we will all be mothers. we wouldn't have struggled this long to come up with nothing.

sending you big, big hugs!

Karey said...

You definitely have a purpose! Your blog is a ministry and probably helps more people than you could ever reach through a support group. And, as FJIEJ pointed out, you're a Creighton practitioner who helps tons of women learn about their fertility and the teachings of the Church. And even if the fruits of your labors are not always visible right now, you have no idea how many seeds you have planted! God has put your infertility to extremely good use already, and I'm sure he will continue to do so!

Giving your infertility to Our Lady as an offering is just beautiful. I'm sure it was difficult, but the harder it is the more it means to her. I'm sure she will intercede!

LifeHopes said...

I know exactly how you feel.
So many days I feel the SAME way ... like, what is my purpose?

It really became clear to me the other day when we were on a bike ride on the Appalachian Trail ... and came across a hiker and his dog (which, by the way, resembled more a bear than a dog!). This hiker had hiked the entire train from Maine to Georgia with his poor dog.

They looked completely exhausted.

All I had was a bottle of unopened water. Without thinking, I offered it to him and his face lit right up. Something so small was so big to this man in this moment.

I had such a feeling of warmth come over me ... one I have not experienced in a while.

Something so small made me feel SO good inside, as if I had a purpose in that moment.

And then it hit me: This is why I feel so sad all the time. I am happier to give of myself, though the Lord does not see fit to allow me to do so as a mother right now.

It makes no sense to me why He does not relent.

You have such a beautiful heart, it is clear, just being around you for a short time. And He IS using you in many ways. Perhaps we just don't understand or see the big picture right now. But we won't be here forever ...

Praying for you and all of us. And I am sorry about that TEBB. Damn it!

... said...

I'm sorry about the IF support group turnout.

I just had to respond to the "what purpose do I serve." Rest assured that your blog is a ministry. A few months ago I was preparing myself to go to an RE and was terrified of ART being pushed, how I would respond, what my options were, etc. I couldn't sleep and was up at the computer at 3 am goo.gling for Catholic infertily blogs and came across this whole little group of people in the same (or similar) boat as me. For the first time in a really long time I didn't feel alone. So I really do hope you see that there is a purpose to the things you do.

And, Steel Magnolias is my favorite!! I can quote the movie almost line for line. How sad is that?

Praying for Hope said...

I'm sorry no one was there for the meeting. But what makes you think you're not helping anyone? Like the others have said, you're making more of a difference than you realize.

Reproductively Challenged said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Reproductively Challenged said...

That is one of my very favorite movie lines of all time! Love that movie.

Never forget what a great source of inspiration you are to others- you have inspired and helped so many in this blogging community and the bz community. I know that doesn't take the hurt away - but know that you have touched so many lives with your persistence, your faith and your story. HUGS.

Percolating Petals said...

I get discouraged about the group I started as well. The last few meetings have had only 2 other people. The one thing I try to remember is, "God asks us to be faithful, not successful." Easier said than done.