Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Adoption Blues

I haven't blogged about this in a while. The reason is because is it a HUGE source of pain and insecurity for me, even moreso than infertility. Being "adoption infertile" has truly shaken me to my very core. I've tried to not even talk about it in real life- I simply told my mother and sisters that the adoption was put on hold, no explanation as to why, and no conversation about it.

When I do sit and think about it, though, I get all those familiar feelings that accompany being an infertile in a fertile world. I watch as everyone around me flies through their Home Studies, gets approved, and officially can say they are "pregnant on paper." I watch as those even MORE fortunate get a call that they have been picked to be parents. I watch as their dreams come true, all the while aching in my living nightmare.

We should be officially waiting right now. And, God willing, we may even have been blessed enough to be matched by now, since our agency had a ton of girls call them up in January/February when they were only in their first trimester. The majority of them were due in September, so the agency had them wait a while to make the final adoption plan. We could have been welcoming home our baby within a month's time. Instead, we won't even have the chance to get approved for another four months.

It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to lie in bed for days and not get up. I just don't get it. I keep hearing from other infertiles that their hearts aren't or weren't truly invested in adoption. Mine was. Mine is. But that doesn't matter. God has decided I'm not good enough to adopt one of His children. It pains me SO MUCH to hear people going through the adoption process taking it for granted, or not completely excited about it as I would be. It's analogous to being infertile, desiring a CHANCE at pregnancy, and hearing pregnant women take their fertility for granted.

We (DH and I) are good people!! Why is this happening to us?? We've accepted this cross of infertility with grace (granted, not ALWAYS with grace), and wanted to answer the prayer of a helpless child and a frightened mother in answering our own. Why, dear God, why won't You give us that chance??

I would wait for years and years for our baby. As long as I can officially wait.

**Just to clarify, for my friends who are Home Study approved, matched, or placed through adoption, I TRULY AM happy for you! Whenever a fellow infertile finally reaches a milestone on that dream of motherhood, I am OVERJOYED right along with them. I just needed to vent some of these emotions in the hope that maybe they'll now dissipate. Or at least I can try to re-bury them...


Grace in my Heart said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this, in addition to regular infertility. It is like stab in the heart times two.

The only thing I can think is that adoption is just not meant to be right now for you. I know I personally used to get so upset knowing that I was never going to conceive. It was a hard reality to face, but it wasn't worth getting upset about, especially since I had zero control over it.

The good news for you though is it sounds like once you get some things worked out, you can be approved? I think that was the impression I got from you before. For the most part social workers are good and fair people, so I just pray that you can work out whatever is holding up the process. Maybe that is what God is asking you to work on and pray about right now. God has a plan for you... Be assured of my prayers.

Hafsa said...

Vent away! It's tough to just sit back and wait. I'm reading Anna Karenina right now and there's one part in the book where it reads, "God gives us many crosses, but He also gives us the strength needed to bear those crosses." I think you're stronger than many of us, and I think you're suffering as gracefully as you can given the situation. You're in my prayers.

... said...

This double whammy really is unfair and I am so sorry you are having to go through it day after day. I am so surprised to see some people who seem to fly seemlessly through the whole adoption process (although I am sure it didn't seem so easy to them at the time - and probably wasn't) and others who just get held back and stuck in their status quo of waiting. I hate it for you. Keep strong.

JellyBelly said...

i think that one of the biggest reasons why i haven't explored adoption more fully is that i'm so scared of the process. it's hard enough being infertile, but being under the scrutiny of agencies and bureaucrats just freaks me out.

i'm so sorry that you're going through this pain. i wish that the path was easier to our children. i admire and respect the fact that your hearts and home are open to adoption. so many people that i know that are struggling with infertility are hesitant to grow their families through adoption.

the waiting is the hardest part of this cross that we carry. i think that it would be easier if we knew that there was a finite time of waiting, not just a open ended sentence.

i'm sending you prayers and hugs.

btw, i've been watching LOTS of yankees baseball during my recovery and i'm almost enjoying it. ;)

LifeHopes said...

I am SO sorry! It isn't fair. It just isn't fair.

I do not understand why you and your DH, of all people, would have to go through all of this ON TOP of the grueling ttc process, but I do know this: you'd make the best parents and especially after having met you, I don't need a social worker to say it to know it is true.

I am sure it causes a great deal of pain for you on top of everything else. I pray for you both a lot, that a door will open for you asap.

Thank you for your honesty in this post.

Sissy said...

Adoption isn't easy, even when you are Home Study Approved. It's not easy until all the papers are signed and you drive away with the baby in the backseat. I thought we were home free when we were matched with our birthmom, but then she decided to parent the baby herself.

My heart was broken when we got that call, and I know you are hurting that your process has been stopped (with no explanation?) but just know that there are problems that can arise with every step. None of it is easy.

That said, I'm so sorry that you are going through both adoption and fertility treatments at the same time. I can't imagine the balance of trying to worry about my body and the adoption agency at the same time. It can't be easy to navigate, and I would fall apart in those circumstances.

Keep your chin up!

the misfit said...

I was wondering what had happened with the adoption stuff. Now I know why you didn't update more :(. I think the hardest of all is to accept God's will when there's NO discernible reason for it and NO way you should go next. And even if you accept it, it still hurts...I pray you have a happy answer on this path soon.

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

So sorry for your blues. Life just doesn't make sense, does it? I will pray for you!

Unknown said...

This isn't fair, and you have every right to vent.


Try to remember that you aren't waiting for just a baby. You are waiting for YOUR baby. YOUR baby will come when YOUR baby is ready. YOUR baby will NOT go to someone else's home because God in is charge. He wouldn't let it happen. They babies being placed right now aren't yours. They belong to other homes.

I know it sucks. I know it's hard. I know it's not fair AT ALL. But it will be fair in the end. When you are holding your baby in your arms (whenever that will be) ALL this will be worth it. All the wait, all the heartache, all the pain. YOUR baby is worth it!

Try to hang on, and try not to play the "what if" game. It's not healthy for anyone.

Bonnie said...

I fully agree with the comment above. If it is TRULY your baby, nothing is going to stand in the way. You will have YOUR baby in your arms. I have no idea why it takes so freaking long or is so freaking hard. It doesn't make sense that you have to go through that in ADDITION to infertility. I have no idea what happened to put it on hold, but I am here if you want to talk about it on the phone or through emails.

I got incredibly lucky. I am not FULLY lucky until I have that baby home and after the court date. Until then I am actually scared to death to put ourselves out there just to eventually be crushed. We won't breathe a sigh of relief until that baby is home with us and the judge has signed it's birth certificate and all applicable forms.

Percolating Petals said...

What an unfair situation! I hope this means that God has a special baby saved for you alone and needs you to wait still stinks in the meantime. The fact that you can get out of bed and face each day while dealing with IF and this adoption obstacle is incredible. I'm starting a novena as we begin the long international adoption process and will pray for you and your husband.

p.s. Do you know a convent of cloistered nuns? Poor Clares, Dominicans, etc.? My dad calls them the "big guns" of prayer. Maybe you could ask some of the sisters to pray for your cause.