That's right. July marks our 36th month of trying to conceive. Let's just stop and let that sink in for a minute. Thirty-Six months. That's a freaking lot of months.
I really don't know how some of you have done this for longer. FJIEJ, AYWH, Sew, JB, LIM... I know I'm forgetting a bunch... but seriously, HOW do you survive? I remember the 2-Year mark feeling like death itself. I guess death will be re-visited at the 3-Year mark.
DH and I have now shifted focus and are putting a lot of energy into our TTC efforts. I had been looking forward to working on our adoption Profile Book this summer, but now instead I am exploring every last avenue that has yet to be explored in our infertility journey. If, after 3 months of Lovenox there is no pregnancy, I will most likely go see Dr. Kwak-Kim in Chicago. I've been hearing such wonderful things about her, and I do think she can help, if Lovenox alone does not.
Most likely we'll continue fertility treatment at least until the Home Study picks up again. The original plan was to stop in September, but I will not be able to NOT work on becoming a mommy in any capacity for 3 or more months, so that's not gonna happen now.
Everyone's comments on my last post were very much appreciated, and I want you to know I read them several times and have taken them to heart. My biggest hurdle right now is trying to understand WHY this happened. I was pretty stable in my infertility, and have been trying my best to embrace that cross for a long time, now. This year I've experienced a true appreciation of the cross, in that it was the vehicle that lead me and DH into adoption. Once we realized that God had intended us to adopt NOW, and not our youngest child (which was what we had planned), we were truly excited and thrilled to get our hearts and homes ready for OUR BABY through adoption.
But now? I just cannot understand why God would slam that door in our face. Our infertility had a greater purpose; it had become a beautiful thing. Now, once again, it is meaningless, bears no fruit, and is only there to cause us more suffering.
At least, this is how it FEELS to us at the moment. I know it's not for us to know or understand God's motives, but I simply cannot figure this one out. If, by some unlikely miracle, we are to achieve pregnancy in the next 6 months, then a) why did God make us wait so long for it, and b) why did He call us to adopt?
And if instead He does intend for us to become parents through adoption, then why make us wait over a year to get approved when everyone else does it in 3-4 months? The final scenario, of course, is the one that seems most likely, since it's the easiest to explain. If God did not intend for us to become parents at all. Clearly, handing us infertility and inability to adopt would be the way for Him to accomplish that one. Then the only question remaining is the biggest one. WHY? Why, God, why?
As usual, when I feel completely hopeless, the Mass readings speak to me. This week it was the 2nd reading, from St. Paul. He begged God to deliver him from the "thorn in his flesh" (some kind of physical ailment that St. Paul suffered from, many believe it was epilepsy), and God told him that it was through the thorn that His power was made perfect. St. Paul learns that in his weakness, he is strong.
It is difficult for me in this current situation to learn how God's power is being made perfect in my infertility. I would much easier accept the idea of a new human life being brought into a loving, Christian home as a manifestation of God's perfection. I am really, truly, struggling in my understanding right now. But what I know is that the reading this week is for all of us. No one is excluded from any of God's words in the Bible, and there is a way for each and every one of us to take those words and apply them to our lives. So, while I may not understand it right now, I know that God was letting me know that there IS INDEED a purpose for my infertility. A purpose which makes his power grow to perfection, and a purpose in making me stronger through my weakness. Since the adoption mishap made me MOST upset because it stripped my infertility of meaning and purpose, I was comforted at Mass to listen to that reading and know that it does still have meaning.
Just don't ask me what that meaning is.