Thursday, June 11, 2009

Really Bummed

It's been one of those days... or few days, really. You know the ones. The ones where one bad thing leads to another, you get bad news, or every news you do hear becomes worse than it really is, and you start to mope and get completely stuck in the depression that has become your life for the past 3 years? Yeah. It's been THAT kind of few days.

Today is P+15. It is also the 6th day of premenstrual spotting. All of this spotting so far (until today) has been only when I wiped, never making it to the pantyliner. Today it is more of a VL to possibly L flow. It has not made it to M yet. I am SO ticked off at this!!! Just when I thought my body may be getting back on track, it goes and pulls this B.S. I called to ask my Dr about it today, and she had me come in for blood work. I already took a pg test this a.m. (at Sew's request- she brought up the good point that if I was pg, even though it was beyond highly doubtful, the spotting could indicate that I may need progesterone supplementation). It was negative. Duh. But wth??? I was really upset that it would never turn into a moderate flow, and that this was all there was of my uterine lining, making this a VERY light period. And in that case, it means I missed CD 1 and the start of my antibiotic protocol for TTC this cycle. I would have had to go to Cancun and abstain the whole time. Niiiiice. DH would LOVE that.
I'm still not completely in the clear, BUT, the spotting did increase slightly this evening, so I'm hoping this means it'll pick up more by tomorrow. PLEASE, GOD!

(Can you believe the things we pray for nowadays? I'm pleading with God to bring on a full-force period, now. That is what my IF has lead me to. Oh, no, God. No BFP. Not for me. I know I'll never get THAT! Just bring me a nice, steady, predictable AF. That will do. Thankyouverymuch.)

During this whole spotting trauma, I got an email from my SW saying she couldn't schedule our next meeting until we got our 2008 tax returns, since her director needs it in our specific case. So, after calling the accountant and asking him to please work quickly, finally I talked her into scheduling a "tentative" meeting because I assured her she'd get the returns by then. Our 3rd interview will be July 1st. Phew. Crisis averted. But not before some un-needed stress.

I've just been so depressed lately thinking about how my body JUST. DOESN'T. WORK. And no matter what I do to try to trick it, force it, coerce it into working, it doesn't. As long as I live, I really don't think I'll ever reconcile this fact.

I asked my Dr. if I could stop taking the low dose Naltrexone a few weeks ago, because a) it's expensive, and b) I've been on it since Dec. 2007, and I never really did have PMS, and c) it hasn't helped me get pg, so I didn't see the use of continuing an actual "medication" that wasn't bio-identical to anything in my body, kwim? Metformin is another thing. I heart Metformin. But Naltrexone? No thank you. It's bad enough having to write it down every time I go to a non-NaPro Dr, and they look at me like I'm insane, taking a drug designed for narcotic-addicts while trying to get pregnant.
But now, with all this depression... I'm wondering if I was a little too hasty in coming off of it. I really just want to lay in bed right now and cry myself to sleep and not wake up for a long, long, LONG time.

They should totally get me on film right now, because I am SO the poster girl for Cymbal.ta- "Who does depression hurt?" It hurts women with empty wombs and empty hearts :(


Karey said...

Ugh.. I'm SO sorry! I'm with ya on the sadness. Sadness, anger, frustration.. it's all too much sometimes! I hope you start to get some peace real soon. I hope we all do.

JellyBelly said...

the best thing about having a migraine for most of the day was that i didn't feel barren once.

ha ha ha.

i'm trying to blame my depression on the stupid l.upron. i don't know though. i think that i would still be down even if i wasn't on the crazy drug.

hugs and prayers to you!

mrsblondies said...

I'm sorry that you are having a crappy time right now. I know what you mean about praying for a nice, steady period, I often have to resort to that. I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.

LifeHopes said...

I'm with you on praying for a period. For crying out loud, THIS IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!!! Especially when you're barren.

I'm sorry but I'm just fed up with it all. People just don't get it.
I've been bombarded with pg and birth announcements over the last couple of days and just when I thought I couldn't give a **** since we're on the adoption path, it still stings like hell.

I am just waiting for the day when God delivers me from this nightmare once and for all. It might not ever come.

Anyways, back to you. I hope and pray that your homestudy meeting goes well and that soon you will be APPROVED to adopt! What a great feeling that will be!!! I know exactly what you mean about adoption v. infertility. It isn't one or the other, not for one second. We have to pursue both and let God manage how/when/if our babies come to us.

One day our blogs will be mommy blogs. I can't wait.

the misfit said...

Right there with you: depressed. I'm probably a little greedier than you are, wanting healthy CM and all that, but nothing I didn't have BEFORE. Likewise, though, I don't want a BFP. I just don't want to get any worse. I think what it is is the last illusion of control - OK, I was sick, I was infertile, I was never going to have a child, but I was only THIS much sick. The rest of my life was predictable. I could handle what I had. And now I don't have that. So I sympathize. I heard tell at one time that LARGE quantities of Mountain Dew could make for heavy periods - I mean, that sort of misses the point, since you want one naturally, but it's what I've got. I'm sorry, and I hope it doesn't interfere with your vacation.

prayerfuljourney said...

You are in my prayers. I pray that you are feeling better soon and that AF shows up so you can move on to the next cycle. I've been where you are at now and it never feels good. I just let myself have my moment and then try to do something else to get my mind off of it. With IF, I have to work with my mind. I just can't let myself think about IF too long or I do get depressed and lay around. I hope that helps. Prayers and hugs. :)
I know what you mean about your cousin. She thinks life is in these steps, marriage, home, baby..nothing will stop that and maybe not for her but for us with IF..our path has differnt steps. As long as our steps are with God, that is what is truly important.

KC said...

Sorry I'm late commenting. I know you understand. This school thing is rough.

I'm sorry you're having a hard few days. Hopefully by the time I'm writing this, you are feeling better. I definitely have been where you is not fun.

Yes, I'm really excited for clinicals too! Ours start in 2 weeks...yikes! At least school is helping me keep my mind off my IF.

Big hugs!!!!

Jeremiah 29:11 said...

Sorry to hear about all that's bringing you down. Praying for you!