It's been one of those days... or few days, really. You know the ones. The ones where one bad thing leads to another, you get bad news, or every news you do hear becomes worse than it really is, and you start to mope and get completely stuck in the depression that has become your life for the past 3 years? Yeah. It's been THAT kind of few days.
Today is P+15. It is also the 6th day of premenstrual spotting. All of this spotting so far (until today) has been only when I wiped, never making it to the pantyliner. Today it is more of a VL to possibly L flow. It has not made it to M yet. I am SO ticked off at this!!! Just when I thought my body may be getting back on track, it goes and pulls this B.S. I called to ask my Dr about it today, and she had me come in for blood work. I already took a pg test this a.m. (at Sew's request- she brought up the good point that if I was pg, even though it was beyond highly doubtful, the spotting could indicate that I may need progesterone supplementation). It was negative. Duh. But wth??? I was really upset that it would never turn into a moderate flow, and that this was all there was of my uterine lining, making this a VERY light period. And in that case, it means I missed CD 1 and the start of my antibiotic protocol for TTC this cycle. I would have had to go to Cancun and abstain the whole time. Niiiiice. DH would LOVE that.
I'm still not completely in the clear, BUT, the spotting did increase slightly this evening, so I'm hoping this means it'll pick up more by tomorrow. PLEASE, GOD!
(Can you believe the things we pray for nowadays? I'm pleading with God to bring on a full-force period, now. That is what my IF has lead me to. Oh, no, God. No BFP. Not for me. I know I'll never get THAT! Just bring me a nice, steady, predictable AF. That will do. Thankyouverymuch.)
During this whole spotting trauma, I got an email from my SW saying she couldn't schedule our next meeting until we got our 2008 tax returns, since her director needs it in our specific case. So, after calling the accountant and asking him to please work quickly, finally I talked her into scheduling a "tentative" meeting because I assured her she'd get the returns by then. Our 3rd interview will be July 1st. Phew. Crisis averted. But not before some un-needed stress.
I've just been so depressed lately thinking about how my body JUST. DOESN'T. WORK. And no matter what I do to try to trick it, force it, coerce it into working, it doesn't. As long as I live, I really don't think I'll ever reconcile this fact.
I asked my Dr. if I could stop taking the low dose Naltrexone a few weeks ago, because a) it's expensive, and b) I've been on it since Dec. 2007, and I never really did have PMS, and c) it hasn't helped me get pg, so I didn't see the use of continuing an actual "medication" that wasn't bio-identical to anything in my body, kwim? Metformin is another thing. I heart Metformin. But Naltrexone? No thank you. It's bad enough having to write it down every time I go to a non-NaPro Dr, and they look at me like I'm insane, taking a drug designed for narcotic-addicts while trying to get pregnant.
But now, with all this depression... I'm wondering if I was a little too hasty in coming off of it. I really just want to lay in bed right now and cry myself to sleep and not wake up for a long, long, LONG time.
They should totally get me on film right now, because I am SO the poster girl for Cymbal.ta- "Who does depression hurt?" It hurts women with empty wombs and empty hearts :(