Well, it's happened. God won in the battle to break me down to where there was no hope, no optimism of any kind.
Our 3rd and final meeting before the home visit with our SW was scheduled for tomorrow morning. I received an email last night: "I need to cancel our meeting for Wednesday. Please have [DH] call me at his earliest convenience."
You know those glitches I told you about, without delving into too much detail? Well, one of them has now turned into a full-fledged issue. We will not be able to continue the Home Study until six months from now. That's right. We are on hold, due to the glitch, and will not be approved to adopt until at least 2010. That's if we can get approved at all.
I literally don't even know what to do with myself. This whole time, I was not treating our adoption process as a "back-up" plan, but rather, felt called to adopt, and was getting SO EXCITED about welcoming a child into our home through adoption. In many ways, more excited (or maybe "differently" excited would be a better way to put it) than I was about pregnancy. With pregnancy, there are hundreds of women that we know who have gone through it, and we know pretty much how it goes. But with adoption, it seems more special in a way since it's not something everyone is called to do, and every situation is so unique and beautiful. (I guess that point can be argued for every pregnancy, too, but you know what I mean.) And since we were so invested in the adoption, and so excited to be approved this summer, we decided to stop actively TTC (with all the meds, procedures, surgeries, etc. but not trying to avoid) come September.
But I guess God did not intend for us to adopt, either. At least, not anytime soon.
I honestly feel like I've been beaten into submission. This whole journey through infertility has felt like a series of beatings, and after each beating, I've managed to heal- not completely- but enough to get up and keep going. And then with the adoption process, we received a few beatings, in different places. But I healed from those, as well. However, each and every beating left me weaker, until finally I now feel like I just cannot get back up. I can't go on physically. I can't go on emotionally. I can't go on spiritually. And even if I could, would I want to? When all I know to be waiting for me up ahead on the road is another beating??
I really don't see how I can *read* this as anything other than God does not want us to be parents. I mean, most people take for granted the fact that "you can always adopt" if you can't get pregnant. Well, what if you can't get pregnant AND you can't adopt? Then you're one of the lucky chosen ones who will never be called "Mommy," will never watch your child sleep peacefully in your arms, will never gleam with pride at a recital or Little League game, and will never feel that intense love that all mothers speak about.
Is there a term for Adoption Infertility? Those who cannot get Home Study approved? Because I may just have to find a support group for that, now. Like infertility, no one can know what this feels like unless they've been through it. So please, no well-meaning commments about how you're sure in 6 months we'll be able to get approved, etc. Because, no, it's not a given.
I've never felt so horrible in my life.