Saturday, May 2, 2009

Wide Open Spaces

... the Dixie Chicks may lay claim to that title, but the new song in the Musical of My Life is entitled: "Wide Open Cervix."

I think my Dr has a little bit of a crush on my cervix. Just a little. Last year she typed the word "beautiful" under the stillframe sonogram shot of my cervix, and today? As soon as the wand was up there, she gasped and said, "Oh, MY!" Then, with clear giddiness in her voice, she pointed to my cervix on the screen and said, "I don't think I've EVER seen a cervix THAT wide open before!" My cervix blushed a bit.

Well, this morning DH and I did the obligatory baby dance (last night, too... I wasn't messing around, I was hell-bent on seeing some swimmers in my stuff), and after I laid still for 30 minutes, I got up to put on a pantyliner and underwear. (I wasn't supposed to do the SFI before the post-coital.) And right there in the bathroom, out it all came!! It felt like my water broke, seriously. Now, I've had some leakage from time to time in the past, but this was INSANE! I kept trying to "plug it up" with wads of toilet paper, but the stuff just wasn't stopping... so I sat down, let it drip out, then got dressed. I remember reading that after 20 minutes or so, the seminal fluid is pretty much void of sperm, anyway, since the sperm make their way into the cm right away. But still, at the time all I could think was, "OH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! COME BAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!" (I would be lying if I said the thought didn't cross my mind to go get a turkey baster and salvage all the baby juice from the bathroom floor.)

So, we get to the Drs office, me all dry and sore, DH all calm and happy (let's face it, the man got lucky twice in 12 hrs), and before she does the post-coital she wants to make sure I am still PRE-ovulatory, so she does an ultrasound. (Abdominal didn't show anything, so we went to the big guns.) And that's when she saw my gorgeous, wide open cervix. There was evidence of a few potential follicles, and possibly a very new corpus luteum, but she couldn't be sure - - everything measured in the mature range, but if I had literally JUST ovulated, it would be hard to tell which was which. Suffice to say, she knew that the post-coital would indeed give us results, since I had such obvious Peak-type mucus all over the place.

(For those who were asking, the post-coital test is a test done when you are close to ovulation, when you have GOOD cm. They take a swab of your cm from the cervical os, after you've had intercourse, and they put it on a slide under a microscope to see if there are still sperm swimming around in it. If there are no sperm, or they are all dead or sluggish, it could indicate hostile cm. Often times if women AREN'T charting their cycles, and they have this test done, they will see results of "hostile cm" and told they must do IUI to surpass it... but if the test isn't properly-timed, and the woman is just past ovulation, then her cm SHOULD be hostile at that time. Timing is everything with this test.)

So, all it was was a pap smear with a little sucky instrument that sucked a little sample from my cervix. Didn't hurt at all, but man, was my lady business TIRED of letting things in and out at this point. I think it is now on strike. And, let me add, the fact that there had been all that spillage BEFORE we went to the Drs, made for a much more comfortable, non-leaky-all-over-the-poor-Drs-hands experience.

DH and I both got to look at the goods under the microscope. It was GREAT! Lots of swimmers, all swimming ferociously. The Dr said they were swimming fast, too (I'm guessing she has a little sperm timer for sperm races in her lab room). DH was VERY proud of himself.

When we left, I asked DH if we should go back and ask to have them put back in. I mean, what if one of those awesome swimmers is our son?? I can't afford to be giving away hundreds of thousands of sperm, now!

So, that's the story of the post-coital. Apparently everything looks fantastic this cycle. Still no clear sign of a cumulus oophorus on ultrasound, and I have a secret fear that maybe I have empty follicles... the Dr said that's usually in much older women than me... but still, I wonder.


Life In Mazes said...

Yeah for great swimmers. It must be nice to have such a beautiful cervix! I can see why it would blush, haha. So glad your husband was proud. Isn't it funny how they hold their shoulders higher just knowing they have great swimmers? So glad that appt is over for you!

Karey said...

Empty follicles? I didn't even know that was something. Is there a way to test for it? That's going to be the new thing I'm sure I have!

Glad the test went well and that your CM isn't hostile.

Anonymous said...

I had empty follicles. During ER they only got 2 eggs out of 7 follicles. I read that follicles are never "empty" just have "sticky eggs". If so, then that maybe my problem all along. (???) We shall see. I'm 28 by the way.

Also, I had a post-c last year with my old RE. The results came back bad. Who knows if the RE timed it wrong or what. I had been tracking my CM for 5 months before that. Since then, I've never had good CM. Ever. All we saw in that microscope was dead sperm.

Living Advent said...

This post is freakn hilarious!! You should think about doing IF stand up!! Every time I stop laughing I go back to the "plug it up" part and start laughing again. And then the turkey baster near had me fall out of my chair!! Thank you for so much for the laugh, I needed it.

Glad to hear that it's not as bad as it sounds. Now if the doctor ever decides to reschedule ours I'll probably laugh my way through it and DH will have to explain that I'm not insane! ;o)

E said...

I am SO happy you got good results. Are you on clomid or anything like that? DT will be happy with the results of the PC test, and the results are not surprising to me after the good news about the immune stuff. Here is praying for a successful cycle!

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

It's baffling that the TEBB was coming back with such a vengeance, though... hmmm... wtheck??

Christina @ Faith for Fertility said...

Great post! I'm sure your follies aren't empty. Go swimmers, go!!!

Vent-ilation said...

You are hysterical!! What a great post! Doesn't it seem like a post-coital should be done so much sooner in the whole IF process? In some of the books I'd read, they actually said that it may be one of the early tests your doctor orders after that infamous "1 year of trying." What a relief to see the swimmers in action!

the misfit said...

Hostile mucous...empty follicles...incompetent all sounds like some sort of hazard from The Princess Bride. Craziness. Glad to hear yours is of the non-hostile variety, at any rate.

(And that you have a beautiful cervix. Nobody's ever said that about MY cervix!)

andnotbysight said...

I'm so glad the results were good! You are too funny :)