I just got off the phone with my Mom, to ask her to say a quick prayer for me, and I explained about the "tubal" issue. When I didn't hear any sound on the other end, I thought my cell phone dropped the call... but then I realized, this is some serious shit. I know nothing is really known yet, and I'm not jumping to any conclusions. In fact, while telling my mother about it, I was very matter-of-fact and non-emotional. Like I was telling her about a tv show I had seen or something.
But her reaction really made it hit home. If this IS real, then I'm in for some serious trouble.
And then the panicking set in.
I had a little conversation with St. Gianna just now. I told her that when I offered to take on the cross for my friends, I certainly didn't place conditions on the offer... so if this worrying and fear, and even further surgical intervention, is part of my cross, then I gladly accept it. But then I told her, while I can carry the cross of Infertility, I definately can NOT carry the cross of Barrenness. I don't know what I would do with myself if I KNEW I had no chance of ever getting pregnant. No. No way. I couldn't accept that. My hope is all I have. My hope is the strength behind my cross.
I feel like I've fallen on my road to Calvary. Which is ok, because Jesus fell three times. If I can just keep some hope alive, I know I can get there. But before I can see the glory of a "resurrection" at the end of my cross, there will need first to be a crucifixion. Maybe this is where I am headed? Maybe if there is bad news, the worst news, tomorrow, it is really just the beginning of the end for me?
Please pray for me! Pray that no matter what the news is tomorrow, that there also be some tiny glimmer of hope in it...