Friday, May 15, 2009

CD 1 and Adoption

It's CD 1. And for about 15 seconds, I was really getting proud of myself for accepting it so graciously. I even put a pad on last night, not because I had any symptoms that she was on her way, but because I worked it out mathematically in my head based on my progesterone results from Monday. My P+8, and 9dpo progesterone was 10.1. Pathetic! I guessed that it would go down by at least 2 points each day, and to prepare for spotting before flow, put on a pad.

Now, back to that 15 seconds. I was in the bathroom, with DH in the bedroom yelling in to me about something or other. When I saw she was here, I asked him to please take care of setting up the health savings account (which I've been asking him since JANUARY!), because I needed it to be in place by next week when I have my repeat uterine washes with Dr. Toth. (Following so far?) He, true to form, started bitching and moaning about how he doesn't have time, and why can't I do it, and blah blah... all why I'm non-chalantly wiping away signs of another dead dream.

Finally, I came out of the bathroom and said, "I just got my period, so that means I am starting the washes on CD 5, which will be Tuesday. You have until Tuesday to figure this out." He got all defensive, and complained that I never told him it would be happening this soon (the uterine washes). He was REALLY starting to irritate me, and honestly, I think he was just a little shocked at finding out I got my period. (After all, he saw his fantastic swimmers in the cm last week.) He did not take the news lightly. But his reaction, instead of being honest and straightforward, was SO immature! He continued his little rant, which is when he argues with me, trying to get me upset, and he ALWAYS has to have the last word (which doesn't work in our fights, because so do I. So, he accomplished his goal, and got me all worked up, until I was crying and yelling, "Why are you attacking me when you know I just got my period??!! Just shut up and walk away!!" To which, of course, he retaliated, also yelling, then left.

So, I had myself a good little cry, then shook it off and called Dr Toth to schedule my washes. The good news is I only need 7 days this time, not 10, so it will be slightly less expensive than $3,000. I also don't need the IV again. I still have to find out if we will need to abstain this cycle from TTC or not.

There were a couple of new developments on the adoption front, as well. Our Social Worker contacted me via email last week to ask about the form the physician sent in for our health records. On it, she had listed under OTC, RX, and other Meds: folic acid 3 mgs, ASA 81 mgs. She asked me what I was taking these medications for. (I can see her wanting to clarify the baby aspirin, since it is a blood thinner, but folic acid? For crying out loud, it's a vitamin, lady!) So I wrote back that I was taking folic acid because my Dr. feels every woman in her reproductive years should be taking it, just in case pregnancy occurs, it prevents neuro-tubal defects in the baby. And that I was taking baby aspirin because I have mutations of the MTHFR gene which is a blood clotting disorder. She immediately responded, "Could you please have your Dr notate how this clotting disorder will affect your ability to parent a child (or not)? I'll send the form back to you to have her do this."

Seriously?? Now I know that it probably sounded pretty ominous to someone not in the TTC/IF world, but c'mon now! My ability to parent a child??!! If anything, it will make me a better parent, because if I am severely injured, I won't bleed to death, and can continue caring for my child while my vessels clot right up!

I responded to her to say, "Just to clarify, the clotting factor is one where I clot TOO much, not that I don't clot, i.e. hemophilia. I only recently discovered I had this because I asked my Dr to run the tests to see if I would be at risk for miscarriage if I ever did get pregnant. This is a clotting disorder that is most often found in women who have recurrent miscarriages, because the woman will clot between her uterine wall and the placenta of the developing baby, where there should be constant blood flow. Had I not specifically asked for the tests, I wouldn't even know I had it! So it definitely has not affected my overall health in any way, but I will have the Dr notate this to make it official for your records."

I do see that I am being slightly too sensitive when it comes to this SW/Adoption stuff. But I just can't stand how judgemental the whole process is! I need to pray about this...

We also went to another Educational Meeting last night. This is our 3rd of 4 required meetings. Most couples attend them after they've been approved, but we decided to start going right away in February. Last night's was about communication between the adoptive parents and the birthmom/birth families. They started with a video that showed a bunch of different birthmoms telling about their experiences in giving their children up. What those last moments with their babies were like, how they feared whether they'd ever be "ok" with the decision... it was very emotional, but also maddening. All I kept seeing was how one-sided it was. What about the adoptive parents? How about their fears of the b-mom changing her mind? I do understand that it's important for us to sympathize with the birthparents in this situation, please don't get me wrong. Maybe I was just too PMS-ey last night to be sympathetic.

After the video, there was a panel with 2 adoptive moms telling about their adoption stories and about their level of openness with their b-moms. One of the a-moms had not one, but TWO failed placements before her son came home with her. She didn't ever actually bring either of the other babies home, but in both cases the b-mom changed her mind after the birth of the baby. The SW who lead the discussion last night then gave us the very sobering statistic: 7 out of 10 birthmoms change their minds after the birth of the baby. 70%!!! This particular SW was a b-mom SW, so she counsels the b-moms during the adoption plan and after. She discussed how they offer continuing counseling for the b-moms regardless of whether they go through with the adoption or if they change their minds. She said there are a lot of "tears" shed, because when she changes her mind, they are sad for the adoptive parents but overjoyed for her. (Again, I was getting mad at this... do they offer counseling for the a-parents after a failed placement?? What kind of support and comfort can they offer to them?) I just kept thinking, as heart-wrenching as it must be to give a child up for adoption, you know it is always your child, and that you made a selfless, loving choice for its future. Yet, for the prospective adoptive couple after a failed placement, there is no solace in the fact that you made a selfless, loving decision (you didn't make the decision at all), and there is no hope that you will have another child in the future.

I know that the SWs don't ignore this issue, and obviously they must see the suffering of the a-parents with so many failed matches and placements... they can't be completely heartless! Especially since most of them (with my agency, anyway) are adoptive parents, themselves. But it just irritates me that we are "educated" all about the birthmoms, and what the process is like for them during this journey, yet no word is uttered about what it will be like for us.

Yup. It's CD 1.


Living Advent said...

I'm so sorry for you about CD1. I'm sending you big (((hugs))) and praying for you.

Regarding treating the MTHFR with injectible blood thinners. The doctors that I've heard of so far are either in CA or IL. But I've read about people getting their local docs to work long distance with some of the RI docs. Interestingly enough, my DH may be starting a project that may involve travel to IL - it's still all up in the air and may not go through but what if we are sent there? That would definitely be a sign.

I'm sorry about all the mess that you're going through with the SW's. Basically what you're going through is what's keeping me from jumping into adoption right now. Because I used to work in the system, I'm scarred. Hang in there!

Grace in my Heart said...

Agencies who look at the birthmom as the "victim" is probably the most irritating part about the adoption process, for me. The first agency we worked with also had this philosophy and it was very irritating. Luckily, we found and switched to an agency whose focus happens to be on the CHILD, where it should be. In my personal opinion, making sure the child has the best possible life is what every social workers' mission should be. Why this is so hard for all involved in the adoption process to understand I do not know. I pray and hope the culture of adoption will change though. I continue to pray that everything goes well for you during this journey. With IF, it seems like nothing is easy, including the adoption process, but we only seem to grow stronger and more faithful as a result. Big hugs!

Sew said...

I love it when you are bitchy! ;)


Why do you need uterine washes again?

Sew said...

I wanted to ask you since you have two mutations why are you only on asprin and folic acid? Why not a foltab type of something or the injections?

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

My question exactly, Sew.

Which is why I just made an appt with another hematologist/gynecologist/oncologist who specializes in anticoagulants. I am going to PAY HIM to give me some injections!!

I am so bitchy today, you have no idea. Plus, I'm cooped up in the house WITH MY PERIOD, studying all day for my Creighton exam to become certified TOMORROW AM!!! I am so up the creek, it's not even funny. I just want to punch things, or people, or both today.

Kathryn said...

Ugh. I am sorry it is CD1. Kudos for handling it graciously for 15 seconds though. You're a stronger woman than I!
I have a lot of personal experience with adoption and I can tell you that satan hates it and he'll do everything he can to get you down about it. I'm not one to blame everything on satan, but there is certaintly a lot of spiritual warfare surounding adoption. I mean he would totally rather have us killing babies then taking in them in and loving them as our own!! I imagine that when you adopt a little one all the bs you had to endure during the process will melt away. Not that that helps how you feel now. :/

the misfit said...

Menstruation is nasty business. Frankly, I feel heartened by your (totally fair) criticism of the adoption process. Obviously, the birth moms have to be supported heavily here, because of the frank reality that if they aren't loved and coddled, they might have a surgeon suck the baby's brains out and throw its body in a trash can. IMO, that's what's really going on. If killing your unborn child were illegal or even difficult to accomplish, the birth parents would be the generous and selfless people who gave a child to a home that could offer more, and the adoptive parents would be the generous and selfless people who offered to take in a child who had little or nothing. As it is (and I don't mean that this applies in any particular case, it's just the structure of the system), the birth parents are offering a scarce commodity and the adoptive parents are willing to pay - and the main function of the agencies seems to be to make sure that they are willing and able to pay as much as possible. I can't claim to have the up-close-and-personal experience of the adoption process that you have, but I've done some introductory reading, and my conclusion is that it's screwed up.

E said...

You are going to pass tomorrow. I just know it! Plus I said a rosary for you this morning at adoration. The adoption stuff ticks me off, too. I really think that the SW are on the b-mom's sides and sympathize with them more that the adoptive parents. WTH is with her and the blood clotting stuff? Crazy!!!

Vent-ilation said...

Good luck on the exam tomorrow. Just from reading your posts, it sounds like you are already a pro and the exam is just 'red-tape' to get 'officially' certified.

And just from my professional experiences working with children, I can't tell you how much it tears me up every time I hear about kids going into foster care, etc.., knowing how many wonderful couples are out there who would do almost anything to have a child of their own to treasure. It just kills me to see how some birth parents can be so selfish and not realize what they have, or to want to hang onto "their" children like possessions, even when they may not be in a healthy state to care for their child. Obviously, it has to be one of the hardest things a parent does, to give up a child for adoption. But what an incredible gift it would be to give a child if you know that your situation is not ideal for raising a happy, healthy child. It just shows the love for the child trumps anything else in the birth parents life. (And I've seen a few tv talk shows lately about teen moms, etc... and it seriously seems like the GRANDPARENTS are the ones who discourage adoption.)

Anyway, great post. Very passionate. And kick butt tomorrow!!

Hafsa said...

That's why I'm scared about the adoption process, because I know I would take every criticism to heart. Good for you letting that woman know what was up, I would have went further lol. What a suckaface

AR and J Mama said...

Good luck on your exam! I am taking mine too tomorrow. It's 9 pm, and I think I'm going to bed. I so need to go over the PD again, and some of the intro slides. I unfortunately took too much liberty when I learned both, and according to my supervisor, I don't use the correct words often enough. So I have been trying to re-train my brain. It's not going well. But I figure this time around will at least give me an idea of how to study for the 2nd time around. :) I just hate to have to continue to be a student for 4-6 more months!! I started this process in August 2007. It has been a long road. I hope you do fantastic tomorrow and get some rest tonight!!

Amy in SC

LifeHopes said...

Oh. My. Gosh.

I am so upset for you about the MTHFR notation crap.

Seriously, that is way out of line.

This is why adoption has a bad rap.

I am SO pissed for you. I too am in a bitchy mood and I am not even PMS-ing. If you called me right now we'd be yelling over each other for hours.

Nikki said...


i think what you and your husband are doing, ttc the natural route is amazing and inspiring i hope to see your bfp soon, i am praying for you!

Praying for Hope said...

You've listed the reasons why I'm leery of adoption. The prospective adoptive parents are expected to completely open up their lives so strangers can judge whether or not they'd be fit parents. I understand they're trying to ensure the children go to good homes, but it doesn't mean that I like it.

Sissy said...

All that being said, yup, our birthmom changed her mind. Last week. It totally broke my heart. I understand it, yes, that she wanted to keep her baby, but I wish she could have decided before I had everything ready to go.

Our adoption agency told us that most adoptive parents go through at least one failed placement. We were just hoping that it wouldn't be us! It has taken a few days to sink in and I am still hurting, but I am getting over it day by day.

I know the process isn't fun. I know the paperwork is intrusive and seems a little hypocritical. But I looked at it this way...they do all this to assure the birthparents that these total strangers will take good care of the child. I would take a deep breath and look at it that way.

Praying for you as you walk both roads. You are so much stronger than I am, continuing treatments and doing paperwork at the same time. Can't even imagine that.

Hugs to you, bloggy friend.