I recently left a comment on Jeremiah's blog with this analogy.
Some have compared the "Home Study" portion of adoption to a lengthy job interview. Interviewing for your dream job: Mom. But I beg to differ. In a job interview, there are laws that prevent the prospective employer from asking certain questions. There is Equal Opportunity Employment. And it is basically an objective means of weeding out those who do not qualify for the job, while those who may be able to handle the job are given a chance, despite any personal feelings the interviewer may have toward the candidate.
Not at all like the adoption process. At least, not from what I've experienced thus far.
Instead, I would liken the whole process to an audition, say, for a Broadway play. Why is this different than a job interview, you may ask? Well, for one, an audition is HIGHLY subjective, and it's supposed to be. An actress can be extremely talented, and totally nail the role in question, and still lose it because she's not the right height, or race, or age. BUT- the actress can also be TOLD that one of these things is the reason why she didn't land the role, when in reality it could be any number of other "personal" reasons. Legally, she has no leg to stand on if she fights the decision because she suspects discrimination. After all, it's the director's JOB to discriminate- to find who would be the best all-around person for the role. Some actresses may find that they are not even considered for some parts that they would love to play, because their agent does not recommend them for it. Again, the agent has the right to do this, based on her knowledge of how her client may interact with certain directors, how well she would handle the schedule of the role in question, etc.
Now, with adoption, we prospective adoptive parents are the auditioners, while the agency SW conducting the Home Study is our Agent. The expectant mothers then become the Directors.
First, we must convince our agent (SW) that we deserve to be recommended for these roles we desire so deeply. And this is a lengthy process, with a lot of emotions, because, after all, the agent is basically a stranger that has been hired by their client. They don't truly KNOW them; yet they have the power to recommend them for these roles or not.
If the actress is truly lucky, she will be recommended for a role. Her hopes skyrocket. She prepares to make the very best first impression, since this audition will either land her the role of her dreams or keep her unemployed. Now she is up against the Director. Another stranger. The only things known about this actress by the Director is her resume and a nice headshot. Depending on how the actress' head is tilted in the headshot, her hair style, or the extent of her smile, the Director may have already made up her mind before the actress even walks on that stage- she is not the one. Or, conversely, something may pop up on the actress' resume that catches the Director's eye. A play she was in 4 years ago, may be a play the Director once produced, and had a lovely experience with it. That connection alone may push the bias to the other side, and despite all the fumbling of lines in the actual audition, the actress may still get the role.
Rarely is the decision made, by either the Agent or the Director, based upon the ACTUAL TALENT AND POTENTIAL of the actress.
Just like the adoption process.
Which is why I hate it. Have I mentioned that before?
Now, in case there are some birthmothers out there who have stumbled across my blog, I do want to say that I BY NO MEANS intend this as a criticism of how you have made/will make your decision on who will parent your child/ren. In fact, I do not believe the decision should be completely void of subjectivity. I can think of nothing MORE subjective than giving your child to another couple to raise. Of course emotions will play a huge role!
But I am saying that it makes quite a hellish experience for the adoptive parents. As badly as we want to become mothers and fathers, there really is NOTHING WE CAN DO to better our chances. And no matter how perfect we are to fill that role of "mommy" or "daddy," we may not be able to land that role for a long, long time. All because our shirt was not the right color in our head shot. Or our mention of playing Bloody Mary in South Pacific brought back bad memories of a horrible hangover senior year of High School.
I did touch base today with my "agent." We will be scheduling our 2nd meeting (of 4) for either next week or the week after. THANK GOD! Things are moving (at a snail's pace, but still...) She let me know that one of our references still hasn't sent their letter (we promptly called and scolded them- seriously, WHO takes 6 weeks to write a reference letter???), but that we can still go ahead and have our 2nd meeting. I'm hoping that we can do our home visit (the 4th visit) by the end of June or early July, but that may be wishful thinking. We shall see...
Things have been pretty crazy busy around here lately, so I'm sorry for being MIA. I am almost finished with my repeat uterine washes with Dr Toth (Monday will be the last of 7), and my period was GORGEOUS this cycle, so they are definitely working. I just hope I can kick this infection once and for all this time. Poor DH may need to get another injection or two, also, because Dr Toth really doesn't want to risk him re-infecting me after I have gone through all of this. Especially since we are not going the IVF route. (He forgot that we were opposed to IVF, and started to talk about how much he HATES it, but that in some circumstances it can be helpful... so, make that now TWO Drs who have told me IVF would be my best shot at pregnancy.)
He stopped himself right away, though, to ask if I had emotional oppositions to IVF. When I said yes, he said, "Then I will say no more, let's talk natural conception." I really like him :)
On Monday after my last wash, DH and I are going to meet my sister in NYC at Alice's Tea Cup- - a really cute little Tea House - - for High Tea. I love tea houses, and DH does, too!! His parents are both British, so maybe that's where he got his affinity for tea. I've never been to Alice's, but I've heard it's really cute. We were going to go to the Russian Tea Room, but I didn't feel like spending $100 for a couple of finger sandwiches and a pot of tea after shelling out $2,100 on washing my dirty, diseased uterus. Call me cheap.