I feel stuck. Stuck in this everlasting moment in my quest for a baby. No news from the adoption agency yet. (Although, I did realize I was supposed to send in a copy of our health insurance card and our latest 1040; BUT our SW didn't mention this in my last email to her, so I'm not completely convinced that's what the holdup is over. Oh well.) And as far as TTC, I have a phone consultation with a reproductive specialist on April 1st, one that FJIEJ found and will also be seeing the day before that. We both feel that there may be hidden immunological factors in our infertility- - and while our recent treatments for infection should slowly combat that, and bring our immune system back up to speed, it is a good idea to make sure it is in fact moving in the right direction.
The place is actually like 10 minutes away from me!! They have several offices all over the country, and one happens to be down the road... of course, they are big on IVF (who isn't?), but they also have expertise in the immunology field, so it will be interesting to get their opinions. I do kinda feel like I'm cheating on NaPro a bit, but hey, I can't expect 1 Dr to be able to do EVERYTHING.
I started my Hydrocort on Monday. So far, so good. I can actually get out of bed before 10:00 now! (Well, I sort of have to. I take the pills at 4 times during the day, specific times, with food. Add to that the 2 other times that I take my T3, and I'm popping pills ALL DAY LONG! I feel like a little old lady.)
This weekend (Saturday), DH turns 30. I can't even tell you how much that depresses me. I just cannot believe he won't be a Dad before 30. I know that some of you out there are already past 30, or DH is, or both, and I know you're probably getting ready to kick me in the pants for saying this. But I started TTC right when I turned 25, so it's so hard for me to think about NOT being a parent in my 20s.
I am throwing him a surprise party on Sunday. I think he'll be really surprised. It will be about 25-30 people, and it's potluck (my idea)- since he's the Chef in the family who always cooks for everyone else, I decided that it's his turn to be the Pampered Chef :) I hope it turns out to be a nice day for him. I know if it were me, I would lock myself up in my bedroom and cry and wail in bed all day about turning 30 with no baby.
(Don't worry, I didn't just blow the surprise- - he doesn't read my blog, even when I ask him to!)
Tomorrow we were planning on going down to DirectB.uy to purchase the nursery furniture. Maybe that will make me feel less depressed. I know for most people that would be like pouring salt into a fresh wound, but it helps me to not be stuck in this SAME PLACE. I can't STAND feeling like this!! I need progress. I need a goal. An attainable one, unlike getting pg. So, for now my goal will be to finish up the nursery. Then to finish cleaning the house. Paint the master bathroom. If we get enough $, buy a new bedroom set (we don't actually have a bed, believe it or not. We have an amazing mattress, and box spring, but it's just up on the wheeled thing that the mattress store gives you. I want a bed!!! If I can't have a baby, I want a beautiful 4-post bed!!)
So that's another stressor, too. Finances. Aren't they always around here? DH's job is insane. I think the last time we actually got a paycheck from the business account was maybe January? Like $2,000 at that point. I can't complain too much, since our bills are taken care of out of the business account, but I HATE HATE HATE not being able to save, or go grocery shopping with my OWN MONEY!! Because we never have our OWN MONEY. Sometimes I feel like we are little kids living in his parents' house and our "allowance" is that they pay for our car bills and pet food. I know that technically it's DH's $, too, but they are totally in control of it... so it's hard not to feel totally dependent on them for every little thing. And if you knew me at all, you'd realize how much I must LOVE my DH in order to live like this!!! I'm the girl who moved out of her parents' house immediately after college and started supporting myself, because I wanted to be independent, and not continue living off someone else's dime. And look at me now!! OMG, if I think about it too much it makes my heart race, so I have to stop now.
The Surrendered Wife really helped me in this department, though. Even though she didn't address this exact situation in the book (I mean, why would she, what grown-up married couple lives with and works with the DHs parents??!!) it helped me to see that there really is no cause for me to stress about it. As long as we are getting our needs met, and we are, it shouldn't matter to me that we aren't building up a huge savings account in the meantime. Sure, it scares the living crap out of me to think we will NEVER move out of here at this rate(!!!!!!), BUT, I have to trust that my DH will find a way to get us all we need, including our dream home. One thing I do definately want to change, though, is that I WANT and NEED to do the grocery shopping. I can't have DH keep doing it, whenever his dad gives him $40 to go to the store. So I'll try what the book says, and just tell him that "I want to go grocery shopping once a week." And then I'll leave the 'how' to him.
Uggghh, have I mentioned I HATE his work situation????
So those are my thoughts for the day. Sorry I've been a little absent. I've been stewing in these negative thoughts for a while. I just need nice, stiff drink and some good weather.