Thursday, March 26, 2009

Nothing in Particular

I feel stuck. Stuck in this everlasting moment in my quest for a baby. No news from the adoption agency yet. (Although, I did realize I was supposed to send in a copy of our health insurance card and our latest 1040; BUT our SW didn't mention this in my last email to her, so I'm not completely convinced that's what the holdup is over. Oh well.) And as far as TTC, I have a phone consultation with a reproductive specialist on April 1st, one that FJIEJ found and will also be seeing the day before that. We both feel that there may be hidden immunological factors in our infertility- - and while our recent treatments for infection should slowly combat that, and bring our immune system back up to speed, it is a good idea to make sure it is in fact moving in the right direction.

The place is actually like 10 minutes away from me!! They have several offices all over the country, and one happens to be down the road... of course, they are big on IVF (who isn't?), but they also have expertise in the immunology field, so it will be interesting to get their opinions. I do kinda feel like I'm cheating on NaPro a bit, but hey, I can't expect 1 Dr to be able to do EVERYTHING.

I started my Hydrocort on Monday. So far, so good. I can actually get out of bed before 10:00 now! (Well, I sort of have to. I take the pills at 4 times during the day, specific times, with food. Add to that the 2 other times that I take my T3, and I'm popping pills ALL DAY LONG! I feel like a little old lady.)

This weekend (Saturday), DH turns 30. I can't even tell you how much that depresses me. I just cannot believe he won't be a Dad before 30. I know that some of you out there are already past 30, or DH is, or both, and I know you're probably getting ready to kick me in the pants for saying this. But I started TTC right when I turned 25, so it's so hard for me to think about NOT being a parent in my 20s.

I am throwing him a surprise party on Sunday. I think he'll be really surprised. It will be about 25-30 people, and it's potluck (my idea)- since he's the Chef in the family who always cooks for everyone else, I decided that it's his turn to be the Pampered Chef :) I hope it turns out to be a nice day for him. I know if it were me, I would lock myself up in my bedroom and cry and wail in bed all day about turning 30 with no baby.

(Don't worry, I didn't just blow the surprise- - he doesn't read my blog, even when I ask him to!)

Tomorrow we were planning on going down to to purchase the nursery furniture. Maybe that will make me feel less depressed. I know for most people that would be like pouring salt into a fresh wound, but it helps me to not be stuck in this SAME PLACE. I can't STAND feeling like this!! I need progress. I need a goal. An attainable one, unlike getting pg. So, for now my goal will be to finish up the nursery. Then to finish cleaning the house. Paint the master bathroom. If we get enough $, buy a new bedroom set (we don't actually have a bed, believe it or not. We have an amazing mattress, and box spring, but it's just up on the wheeled thing that the mattress store gives you. I want a bed!!! If I can't have a baby, I want a beautiful 4-post bed!!)

So that's another stressor, too. Finances. Aren't they always around here? DH's job is insane. I think the last time we actually got a paycheck from the business account was maybe January? Like $2,000 at that point. I can't complain too much, since our bills are taken care of out of the business account, but I HATE HATE HATE not being able to save, or go grocery shopping with my OWN MONEY!! Because we never have our OWN MONEY. Sometimes I feel like we are little kids living in his parents' house and our "allowance" is that they pay for our car bills and pet food. I know that technically it's DH's $, too, but they are totally in control of it... so it's hard not to feel totally dependent on them for every little thing. And if you knew me at all, you'd realize how much I must LOVE my DH in order to live like this!!! I'm the girl who moved out of her parents' house immediately after college and started supporting myself, because I wanted to be independent, and not continue living off someone else's dime. And look at me now!! OMG, if I think about it too much it makes my heart race, so I have to stop now.

The Surrendered Wife really helped me in this department, though. Even though she didn't address this exact situation in the book (I mean, why would she, what grown-up married couple lives with and works with the DHs parents??!!) it helped me to see that there really is no cause for me to stress about it. As long as we are getting our needs met, and we are, it shouldn't matter to me that we aren't building up a huge savings account in the meantime. Sure, it scares the living crap out of me to think we will NEVER move out of here at this rate(!!!!!!), BUT, I have to trust that my DH will find a way to get us all we need, including our dream home. One thing I do definately want to change, though, is that I WANT and NEED to do the grocery shopping. I can't have DH keep doing it, whenever his dad gives him $40 to go to the store. So I'll try what the book says, and just tell him that "I want to go grocery shopping once a week." And then I'll leave the 'how' to him.

Uggghh, have I mentioned I HATE his work situation????

So those are my thoughts for the day. Sorry I've been a little absent. I've been stewing in these negative thoughts for a while. I just need nice, stiff drink and some good weather.


Sew said...

That is great news about the fertility specialist! Great! Great News!!!

Oh my gosh I don't think I have ever slept in past 730am in the past several, several years! I don't even know what I would do. Seriously my favorite time is the early morning! :)

I laugh about your DH, that is funny! My DH wants nothing to do with my blog, but he does want to see pics of all the hot Catholic girls! :) Tard! ;)

I am glad that the SW book helps! I can't imagine the situation, I am so sorry! I do believe it is your husbands great desire to make all your dreams come true.

Oh I was reading "and not by sight blogs" and I think out of all of us, you are the only one that has true faith! I mean here you are praying and doing what you can to get pregnant, but you are also planning that God will bless you by painting the nursery.

I seriously can't think about it without having convulsions. I did it a couple years back and threw the furniture on the side of the street.

But this isn't about me, you are planning and I think that if I were God I would definately be pleased and honored that you trusting blindly. Because you situation could very well end up like "And not by sight..." ;)

Hang in there!

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

Thank you, Sew. I didn't think about it like that. Really, in a way I thought I was pulling one over on God... like, "Oh yeah? You not helping me get pg isn't going to stop me from decorating my nursery!!" But I'd rather say it's because of my blind faith. So... yeah, I'll stick to that story :)

JellyBelly said...

i agree with sew! i admire that you can go out and buy nursery furniture. i can barely walk by baby g.ap without feeling like i'm going to throw up!

i wouldn't worry too much about your DH turning 30 and not being a father. my hubby is going to be 39 this year and i will be 35 next year and we're still childless. now that's scary. at least i don't look my age!

E said...

I am so excited about my appointment next week, maybe he can shed some light on this pain in my neck! UGH! I totally understand the whole turning 30 thing, all around for me it was a HUGE disappointment, a long story for another time. I am glad that you are making it special for him, he will greatly appreciate it. I need some of that blind faith, I guard my heart too much. When we were in NYC we stayed across the street from PB kids, I couldn't even go it let along look in the windows (HOWEVER, I was coveting the bugaboo strollers, nice!!). :)

Lisa and Jamie said...

Hugs girl! I think the surprise bday party will be just what you all need to keep your mind off of not being parents yet. I wish I had something like that last month when I turned 30. And I think you are such a strong woman to complete your nursery. I want to see pics of it as soon as you get it done :)

Praying for Hope said...

It's always hard to look back on milestone birthdays and see that you have goals that you haven't reach. Keep moving forward as you are. The fact that you try rather than moping around and feeling sorry for yourself is huge. Look at where you were this time last year. You've done a lot.

Percolating Petals said...

My 30th birthday was hard too. I had thought I would be pregnant by then. And by the way, I think your wish for a bed is well worth it!! :)

KC said...

I got the book on Wednesday! Thanks so much for sending it, along with your sweet note!

I need to get moving on reading it now LOL!

Thanks again!!!


LifeHopes said...

I could totally feel your emotions as I read this post. First off, I am TOTALLY with you on feeling "stuck." I realize that nothing is in my control, however there are days when I feel as though I have to do SOMETHING and those are usually the days I end up perusing adoption stuff online. Even if its only reading an adoption blog, it gets me out of the ttc frame of mind and helps me to consider new and exciting things.

Let's face it. TTC is insanity. Madness and Insanity. &^%[email protected] End of story.

I agree with Sew--- it takes great faith to move forward with the nursery at this stage. Deep down, you must know that things are going to work out in the family department, or else you wouldn't have peace about moving forward.

You know what keeps us from trusting? Fear. I know that, even though I too still have fear. But your heart does not give in to fear as you joyfully decorate your nursery. I think this is beautiful.

I promise to increase my prayers for you as you continue to ttc and make a baby at the same time! If its any consolation, we are right there with you!!!

barbie said...

I can say congrats on the hydrocort! after being on it for about 1yr I'm getting up at 6am to workout! this is amazing progress! I used to suffer getting up at 8 and was exausted all day long. Now! i'm good!

how much are you taking 20mg?