Spiritually and Emotionally, that is. Today's readings were Abraham's near-sacrifice of Isaac, the Paul to the Romans "If God is for us, who can be against us?," and the Transfiguration. I know that there are beautiful messages that I can take from each of these readings, and usually, I do just that.
But today at Mass I was in a particularly bad "feeling sorry for myself" mood. I felt like a hypocrite, crossing myself while asking for God's blessing, and thanking Him for His generosity... all the while thinking, "What blessings? What generosity?" I started to wonder this morning, what if this news about the MTHFR isn't exactly as wonderful as I first made it out to be? I mean, if you really think about it, this is just ONE MORE THING that is wrong with me. Why am I being so naive as to think that this will be THE LAST thing they find?
Here's just a sample of things they have found "wrong" with me since November 2006 (my first NaPro appt):
slight insulin resistance
thyroid system dysfunction
partially blocked fallopian tubes
hormone dysfunction (general)
pelvic inflammatory disease
calcification of the cervix
moderate adrenal fatigue
MTHFR (2 gene mutations)
I mean, seriously?? I'm starting to get a complex.
So I almost lost it during today's readings and the Homily, as Father spoke about Jesus answering our prayers... how is this an answer to my prayers? How can ONE PERSON have all of this wrong with them? Add to that the slight prostatitis and low morphology of my DH (probably caused by ME and my stupid vertically-transmitted CT), and how could I actually believe that there is a chance I will ever conceive and carry a child?? I must be a complete moron.
So, this realization came to me during Mass, and I had to fight back the tears as I prayed aloud with the congregation... wondering what it is I am thanking God for. From the time I was a little girl, ALL I EVER WANTED TO ACCOMPLISH with my life was to have children. I remember praying nightly, "Dear God, please let me just live long enough to have a baby. You can take me any time after that, but please let me have a baby." I am not making this stuff up. I really see no point in living if I cannot procreate.
No, I'm not suicidal. But I am having an existentialist crisis at the moment. I will more likely than not never conceive. I don't even know what to do with this right now. I've always had some hope before... but today, it seems to have faded away.
So tell me, from here on in and for the rest of my life, for what shall I pray?