I am amazed. I am amazed at how much love and support I received today, from all of you, in the form of comments, emails, e-cards, chats, and messages on FB. I can't begin to tell you how touched I am that you have done these things, just for my silly little BFN. Of course, I think we all know that a BFN is anything but silly, especially in the moment we see it staring us in the face, destroying our last bit of hope. But sometimes I feel like I'm being silly to mourn so much when there was no real loss. However, every single one of you was there today with your kind words and prayers, to remind me that loss of hope IS a real loss. And I appreciate that more than you can know.
Today is CD 1, and you would barely know it to look at me. I have had a couple of quick moments of "looking back" at dreams lost, but other than that, I feel terrific. I remember that the night before I tested, I prayed fervently to all of my saints (a.k.a my heavenly posse), and at the end, I requested that not my will, but God's will be done, and if His will were for me not to be pregnant this cycle, that the Saints direct their prayers instead to my peace of mind with that decision. And wow, it just blows me away how quickly those prayers were answered! I had a meltdown after the BFN, and was depressed the rest of the day, but NOT crying.
I asked DH to go without me to our neice's birthday party on Sunday- I just couldn't be around all the kids that afternoon- and he did. On his way back, I called to see where he was, and he said he had to pull over for a while since he was so upset he couldn't drive. I just felt horrible. Here I was, almost recuperated completely no more than 8 hrs after the BFN (truly miraculous, I tell you), and yet in my prayers, I had neglected to ask for strength for DH. When I got off the phone with him, I looked up at my painting of Mary in the living room ("L'Innocence"), and asked her Why? Mary, you know as a woman that I can bounce back from these things. I have to. But why, why does DH have to suffer like this, too?
If I could, I swear I would double my pain to take on his. I just don't understand why he has to go through this? In fact, he physically does NOT have to go through IF, because with anyone else in the world, he would probably have a few kids by now. His body is fine, better than fine. Superfertile. So many sperm that Dr Toth said he could have 90% amorphous and still be ahead of the game. So why was he stuck with someone whose body doesn't work? And why does he have to go through the suffering with her each and every cycle? Isn't my suffering enough?
I did kinda go on a rampage yesterday, about 3 hrs after the BFN, with all the adoption paperwork. I think it helped to make me feel like I had some control over the situation. The situation being pending motherhood, not fertility (because that, clearly, has never been anywhere near my control). I am happy to say that our paperwork is coming along at record speed! Even our social worker commented on the progress :)
I also emailed my Dr, letting her know I would be in the next day (today) for a follow-up, and wanted to get that b/w done for blood clotting disorders. She gave me the script, along with a drug panel script for both me and DH (for the homestudy), and I went to LabCorp immediately afterwards. The lady at LabCorp was like, Whoa, you want this all done today?!! I think it was 7 vials of blood and a urine sample :) I'm surprised I had enough fluids left in me to walk out of there! I am guessing I'll have the results of the clotting disorders b/w in a week. I'm really starting to think I have one. Just a nagging feeling. And I'm trying not to get really upset that I was never tested for this before... I just can't go there. Can't change the past, right?
Right now I'm sitting here staring at all the drugs I'm supposed to take tonight. Aside from my everyday vitamins, Metformin, T3, and Naltrexone, I have the Zithromax (cyclical abx from Dr Toth), Diflucan (to kick the post-Peak pasty, follow-up tx to the vag suppositories I was on this past post-Peak phase), and Femara. I don't even know if I should take the Femara, and waste a nice strong ovulation when it seems I don't have a chance in hell at getting pregnant right now. I'm still debating taking it or not... hmm... any thoughts?