Friday, January 2, 2009

2009... not to be outdone by 2008

I guess 2009 wanted its own claim to crap, because, like Sew Infertile, I also received a news-bearing phone call from my mother today.

My grandma, who was due to begin a strong course of chemo this week, now has cancer in her liver. And what that means is, she now has a matter of months, more likely weeks.

I am just numb. I have about a million emotions going through my heart and my head simultaneously. On the one hand, I had prepared for the worst (which, in my opinion, would be a long year of her suffering in and out of the hospital and living in a nursing home). I did not want that for her. But at least she would be with us. I know how selfish that sounds, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her just yet. She and my grandpa moved into a house 10 minutes away from my house when I was 4 years old. My grandfather died the following year (1 week before my 5th birthday). And I have had my grandmother close by ever since. She came to all of my high school plays, my graduation, etc. - I was VERY fortunate to be so close to her. As a little girl, I remember watching Shirley Temple movies and religious movies (Song of Bernadette, for example) at her house. I think that's all she owned. Shirley Temple or religious :) And every SINGLE Sunday, we drove her to church with us.

Now I live a State away, but still, whenever I go home, I have seen her as well as my parents. I can't even imagine how it will be when she's not here.

The inner struggle comes in when I think of how much worse this could be. I've already thought about how happy she will be to once again be with her soulmate, the love of her life, the man she calls her "gem." So being in heaven is nothing to mourn. But I just keep thinking about all of the things in my life that she will miss. She won't be able to hold my baby, if or when I ever have one. There's a strong possibility that she won't be here to hear that I am pregnant. That kills me. If it weren't for my stupid, stupid body, she would already have at least 3 great-grandchildren by now (my sister already gave her 1). I hate that I couldn't share that experience with her. I mean, I really HATE it. So much, that another emotion I'm struggling with is anger. I can't understand why God would do this. Why now?

LifeHopes, I could really use your insight when you read this. I know that you recently went through this kind of loss, and I just need to know how you were able to remain strong through it, and not get angry with God.

Please say a prayer if you can. I'm still hoping for a miracle.


andnotbysight said...

Praying over here! I saw your comment on Sew Infertile, and I was really hoping it wasn't your grandma. I lost my grandma six years ago (almost to the day), just after I started dating my husband. I was so sad that my she wasn't there for my wedding. She lived 20 minutes away from us when I was growing up, and spent more and more time at my parents' house in the last few years of her life--she lived with them for the last year or so. My heart goes out to you, and I'll be praying for a miracle!

Hafsa said...

I am praying for you and I will light a candle on Sunday for your grandmother. I lost my grammy six years ago and like you and your grandmother, we were very close. Hold the memories to your heart and never let go. While it is very hard to lose someone you love so much, think of the great journey she has to Heaven where she will be joined with her husband.

Mary said...

Adding my prayers too. I hope that your grandmother, you and your family find peace during this time.

Sew said...

It didn't take long for 09 to reign did it!?

I am so sorry about your grandmother and another dream of yours that isn't playing out how you wished. I can't imgaine what you are going through....But I will keep you close in prayer.

Do you want a pineapple?

Fight The Good Fight of Faith said...

My prayers are with you and your family.

Life In Mazes said...

I did have some of the same feelings when my grandmas was very ill and died in 2004. When they found her cancer, she had only a few weeks left to spend with us. We tried to make the most of it. We spent lots of time with her and were so thankful that she could still share her stories and her kooky sense of humor. She was always caring for others, so it was hard to accept help from others. Your grandma may be the same way. I know that you will find joy in the new life she will experience in heaven, but it doesn't take away the sadness you have or the anger. You will get through this and will be so grateful for all of those years of love and they will continue from heaven. I keep thinking that she can be like St. Therese when she gets to heaven and will "spend her Heaven doing good on earth" I pray that you are showered in blessings at this time and I know this is not how you envisioned your life, but she will still see you with your babies one day. It just might not be this side of heaven. I believe that my grandma still sends me messages of love.

Meridith said...


Praying for you as you face the days ahead...

Sew said...

745-815 That is what time I was praying the rosary! Sorry curiosity killed the cat! I have to see if we were praying together! :)

Sew said...

That was eastern time.

JellyBelly said...

i just tried to find your e-mail address on your blog, but i can't find it!

send me an e-mail at [email protected] and i'll give you my FB details!

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

Sew, we did it at 9:30est. Oh well, we were together in spirit ;)

Jelly, you have mail!

LifeHopes said...

I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother.

Yes, I did recently go through something similar, and believe it or not, the entire experience was nourishing to my soul, even though it was extremely, extremely painful.

For me, being with my great uncle during his final days was a tremendous privilege and blessing. I have never felt closer to God than during that time. There was so much grace. To be beside him while he reflected upon his boyhood, then his own family, and upon his hopes for heaven, it was truly one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

As I drove home, I cried tears of sadness, but also of joy. Joy for a life well-lived, and for someone who would soon meet his Creator face to face.

Perhaps you could ask your grandmother to continue to pray for you in heaven? I felt kind of selfish asking my uncle that, but he promised me he would, and I take great comfort in that now. Because he's one of those people I know are in heaven. I just know it.

I wish I had more words of comfort for you. I promise to pray for you,for your grandmother, and your entire family over the next several weeks.