I guess 2009 wanted its own claim to crap, because, like Sew Infertile, I also received a news-bearing phone call from my mother today.
My grandma, who was due to begin a strong course of chemo this week, now has cancer in her liver. And what that means is, she now has a matter of months, more likely weeks.
I am just numb. I have about a million emotions going through my heart and my head simultaneously. On the one hand, I had prepared for the worst (which, in my opinion, would be a long year of her suffering in and out of the hospital and living in a nursing home). I did not want that for her. But at least she would be with us. I know how selfish that sounds, but I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her just yet. She and my grandpa moved into a house 10 minutes away from my house when I was 4 years old. My grandfather died the following year (1 week before my 5th birthday). And I have had my grandmother close by ever since. She came to all of my high school plays, my graduation, etc. - I was VERY fortunate to be so close to her. As a little girl, I remember watching Shirley Temple movies and religious movies (Song of Bernadette, for example) at her house. I think that's all she owned. Shirley Temple or religious :) And every SINGLE Sunday, we drove her to church with us.
Now I live a State away, but still, whenever I go home, I have seen her as well as my parents. I can't even imagine how it will be when she's not here.
The inner struggle comes in when I think of how much worse this could be. I've already thought about how happy she will be to once again be with her soulmate, the love of her life, the man she calls her "gem." So being in heaven is nothing to mourn. But I just keep thinking about all of the things in my life that she will miss. She won't be able to hold my baby, if or when I ever have one. There's a strong possibility that she won't be here to hear that I am pregnant. That kills me. If it weren't for my stupid, stupid body, she would already have at least 3 great-grandchildren by now (my sister already gave her 1). I hate that I couldn't share that experience with her. I mean, I really HATE it. So much, that another emotion I'm struggling with is anger. I can't understand why God would do this. Why now?
LifeHopes, I could really use your insight when you read this. I know that you recently went through this kind of loss, and I just need to know how you were able to remain strong through it, and not get angry with God.
Please say a prayer if you can. I'm still hoping for a miracle.