I'd like to start this post by expressing my thanks to God for limiting the number of these types of days that I've had lately. I truly feel the power of prayer in my life, and know that one of the answers to my prayers has been that I have, in general, felt much more at peace with infertility, with my life and circumstances, and with myself.
But... today has not been good. I'm actually currently in a mini-breakdown. (I felt like what better time to vent about it on my blog and get it all out, ya know?)
I woke up in a funk, and decided to just sleep in, then watch tv. As if I have nothing else more productive to do. (I have assignments I need to submit to my Creighton Supervisor, my house SERIOUSLY needs cleaning, etc.)
While watching tv, my black cat, Al, decides to jump up on the couch... except that she jumps right on MY FACE. I have to believe she didn't know I was there, or didn't know that was where my face was... because if I believed otherwise I may have had to hurt her. She was startled, and ran across MY FACE to jump up to the back of the couch, and in the process, scratched me very badly across the neck, jaw, and cheek. I mean, DEEP gash.
It has stopped bleeding, but (and I hate to admit this), I was crying so hard because for the 1st time in my life as an adult, I had really nice skin. All of these antibiotics I've been on have made my skin so nice and clear, whereas with PCOS I tend to get breakouts around O and around AF. (By the time 1 breakout clears, it's time for the next one.) So, now my skin is clear, and I have this huge scar on my face and only God knows how long it will be there. Why? Why did this have to happen?
So, I finally got over that... and watched some more tv (after cutting my cat's nails, along with Simba's, the kitten's nails). And then I just started to get extremely depressed. I turned on EWTN and while watching some 30-minute special, just broke down and completely lost it. It dawned on me that tomorrow is the day. The day of the year that I dread the most. The day that I put up my Christmas decorations (1st Sunday of Advent, every year). Now, some infertile women may find Christmas Eve itself to be the worst, or Christmas Day. Or New Year's, or their birthday or anniversary. Not I. The worst for me is the 1st Sunday of Advent, when I decorate my house, listening to religious Christmas music and envision the FOLLOWING Christmas with a baby. It's the only way I can get through the day. To make myself this promise, as if I have the power to make it come true. But when hanging each little silver bell, red ribbon, and glittery Christmas tree ball, the image of doing the same thing with my baby close by is enough to keep me sane and dare I say even happy throughout the entire Christmas season.
It almost sounds as if I have lost some hope. This is not the case. I have more hope now than ever. But reaching this milestone, I need to mourn my last year's promise... which has not come true. Not only no baby, but no pregnancy this Christmas.
As I had myself a good old fashioned ugly cry, I hear EWTN in the background, and the words, "When you feel like God has thrown you into a ditch and forgotten about you..." - - I turned it up, to see a priest looking directly into the camera lens- directly into me. He continues, "I know that the very best person I can put my trust in, the one who can truly understand my suffering, is Mary. I unite my suffering to hers, and through her, to her Son's." My God! This 15 second segue speech was meant for me! God has not forsaken me. He has not forsaken any of us. He is watching over us, holding us, and Mary is comforting us.
It amazes me that even when I'm ALLOWING myself to re-enter those darkest places, and become re-consumed in utter despair and self-pity, Jesus is there to ensure that I don't sink into it. He pulls me back into His love and glory.
Just writing this blog has made me stop crying. I think I'll be alright... no. I know I'll be alright.
May God Bless all of us, especially those continuing to struggle with infertility, this Christmas season. May Mary, our Mother, hold us close to her Immaculate Heart and give us peace.