Thursday, September 4, 2008


I spoke with Sister Renee at the Pope Paul VI Institute yesterday. She advised me to draft a letter to Dr. Hilgers himself, and include copies of my 2 latest charts, and ALL my test results/lab work, etc. In essence, I should ask him for a "second opinion" on my case and see what he would suggest I do at this point- whether there is anything else Dr. Stegman can do for me, or if he thinks it would help us to come to Omaha for some final work-up.

So I wrote the letter, then contacted my Dr to ask for copies of all my files. I also asked her later in an email if she would consider giving the letter to Dr. Hilgers in person after the Convention on the 13th.

Her response, via email, was that she has all the paperwork ready for me, but she did want to speak further with me about all of this, so that I can get the bigger picture. She told me about the "Find, Fix, and Count" motto of Dr. Boyle in Galway, and that right now I was only in the 3rd really "good" cycle since fixing everything. I have 12-18 good cycles to count total. She said she really does think my prognosis for pregnancy is very good, but that I should see it all through before considering adoption.

I knew all of this already. The thing is- I am TERRIFIED of going through all of this for another year to year and 1/2. The thought literally paralyzes me. I have NO light at the end of this tunnel, and in order to keep going, I needed to create one. First, I thought we could start looking into adoption by 2009. Then, with Sister Renee's suggestion, I thought I could see what Dr. Hilgers said. (And who knows, if Dr. Hilgers himself tells me that he thinks I have a good shot at getting pregnant, and just to stick to it for another year, I could see myself being alright with that.)

I know my Dr. is just trying to be supportive, and not let me give up hope. But in a way, that's exactly what I wanted from her. I wanted her to tell me something along the lines of, "Yes, most people are pregnant by their 4th cycle after surgery. You should probably look into adoption come next year." Instead, she is offering me strength when all I feel is weakness. She is holding on to hope for us, as we let it slip away. Am I thankful? I'm not sure yet. I keep going back and forth between feeling positive and feeling negative about it all.

To top it off... I am 7dpo today, and P+6. (This time I know for sure when I O'd, and my Peak Day "could" have been a day later due to seminal fluid that I hadn't elimanated successfully. I have a really tough time doing the seminal fluid instruction on days that I know I have amazing cm... anyone else?) I am getting my b/w tomorrow, which will be P+7, but 8dpo. I do not think my progesterone is very high, because I don't have sore bbs at ALL. I have been getting them starting at 7dpo for a LOOOOONG time now, and every once in a while, I even had them start right after O. But the fact that they're not here yet only leads me to believe my progesterone is not very high (as usual), and if it's not high, then I'm sure I'm out this cycle.

And here's the clincher: the only way I got through the devastating experience of a false + hpt, and thinking I was pregnant for an entire day, back in January, was because I knew in my heart I would be pregnant before my "estimated due date." That date? September 15th. It's almost surreal to think, if that test was right... I could be going into labor any day now. I COULD BE GOING INTO LABOR ANY DAY NOW. And yet, look at my life. I am so FAR from that ideal world, in every possible way. I can't imagine ever being there. I can't imagine ever being pregnant. I can't imagine ever being a mommy. And I'm not just being dramatic, I just really cannot see myself doing those things anymore. It's like, going on an interview for a position in retail (idk, it's the first thing that came to mind). Imagine going on interview after interview, some more promising than others, for two long years. In the meantime, you don't even have another job lined up, because ALL you've ever wanted to do was retail. There comes a time when that dream is ripped away from you, and while you may always wish you were in retail, the reality of it becomes a foreign concept. You just CAN'T imagine ever being in retail after that. And I can't imagine, now, ever being pregnant, or a mommy.

Well that was horribly depressing, wasn't it?


Jodi said...

Well honey, if you need to come to Omaha, you have a place to stay with Bill and me :) I know it's frustrating when people just give you hope when you want a different answer...well maybe not want, but could handle...ah, I'm just not saying the right things! Anyhooter, keep us posted on how this progresses and what Dr. Hilgers suggestion is.

Unknown said...

I hope you don't mind that I read your blog - but I thought I should send you a big cyber hug from Ireland today, I am nearly giving up and going for adoption too but I got a pep talk from my aunt today to keep going so I thought I would pass the perseverance vibes on!!!!

Karey said...

In my opinion it's a pretty good thing if your own dr is telling you that you still have a shot! I know people whose dr's have told them otherwise. So that's hopeful! As much as I sometimes think I just want to know the future and know if I won't ever conceive, the truth is it would be devastating to know it's all over.

And I know it's tough to know when to start the adoption process, I'm in that same boat. But would you ever start it if you still had a chance of conceiving? Maybe God is calling you to adopt and then have biological children afterwards.

It's easier said than done, but just try to be patient. I know you know this, but God works in His time. And His plan for you is perfect!