So my mind is just full of all kinds of thoughts after reading All You Who Hope's latest blog. I have especially been brooding over her #2 Myth Buster, because it seems that at least once every month, some newly pregnant woman who went through infertility is shouting from the rooftops, "Never give up!" because they have found the magic code to getting pregnant. Well, it's wonderful that they are pregnant. Truly. But their pregnancy has NO CONNECTION whatsoever to my life, my infertility, or my future pregnancy.
It's funny how pregnancy seemingly makes you forget how hard it is for an infertile to face the fact that there is a real chance we may never bear children of our own. And we HAVE to face that fact. It is a part of our journey. Just as pregnancy is a part of theirs. I still remember the post I made announcing my "pregnancy" on the TTC message boards back in January '08 (it was a false + triggered by hCG post-Peak injections). In my post, I made it a point to say, "I'm not going to say Don't Give Up, because I remember how upsetting that was to hear. But I will say that once you reach your dream, all of the heartache, trials, tribulations, they all seem to disappear and become SO WORTH IT." Maybe I was able to write those words because I wasn't pregnant, come to think of it.
All You's post was truly helpful for me. Because whenever I hear a new preggo say, "I went to Eucharistic Adoration and voila!" or "I prayed this Novena, and 2 weeks later, a bfp!" or even something less specific like, "I trusted in God's plan," or "I finally gave it all over to Him," it makes me so sick to my stomach. I feel guilty, for obviously not praying enough, trusting enough, letting go enough. I get mad, yes, even at God, for answering other people's prayers and not mine. I get annoyed at the pregnant person, who is really just on cloud nine and not able to bring themselves back down to the darkness of infertility. Not that I can blame them, because if I ever get out I'm certainly not going to take up a summer home here. But basically, I am just filled with these ugly emotions after hearing words that are intended to be inspiring.
All You Who Hope may not realize it, but her words gave me more hope than ALL of the advice from pregnant infertiles combined. Our journey has an unknown destination. Some of us may get pregnant. Some of us may not. But the POINT in trusting God's plan is not so that we can get what we want in the end. The point is so that no matter what happens, we have faith that we are right where we are supposed to be in life, and that God will not abandon us when times are rough. How much more glory can we give to God than to proclaim His good word when we are down and out? That is truly trusting in His plan, without ulterior motive. And hearing All You Who Hope's advice to trust in the Lord, when she is NOT pregnant, when she does NOT know where this journey will lead her... has made all the difference in my life.
Thank you, K :)