I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days. I've been thinking of just how blessed I am, to have been given my infertility. Now before you curse at your computer screen and click away from this blog with a vow never to return, let me back up and explain:
God has chosen me, just as Simon of Cyrene was chosen, to help His Son carry His cross. We Catholics all understand the idea of redemptive suffering, and "offering it up" (man I used to hate those words as a kid, when all I wanted to do was whine and get my way). Well, God decided that I should be called to offer myself in this way; that I should be chosen to make the burden of Jesus' cross lighter, through my suffering. And He trusted me SO MUCH, that he chose the one and only way in which I would ever truly suffer: infertility.
My lot in life could have been to be without a home, or possessions. But God knows me. He knows that material things are not what is important to me. His plan for me could have been to be physically handicapped, to never marry, or to lose close family members. But He knows that in all of these things, I would have found an alternate calling for my life, prayed for guidance, and carried on in my new vocation. God knows me so well, (He who formed me before I was in my mother's womb), that He lead me to a place in life where I was ready in every way to have children, but could not. And in giving me the gift of infertility, He has given me the most precious gift of closeness to His Son.
The only plan I have ever made for my life was to be a mother. God knows this. He knows just how much I cherish the thought of motherhood, how much I would love my children, and how much I value all life from conception to natural death. So He gave me the opportunity to make the biggest and best sacrifice of my life, and to offer that sacrifice for Jesus. What a perfectly awesome idea! How great is God's love for me? I am so blessed to be able to return it in such a concrete and tangible way.
Of course, God also knew this would not be easy. That's kind of the point. How can you offer up suffering to Jesus if it's a cake-walk? Even Jesus himself pleaded with His Father from the garden the night before His crucifixion. And, since I am not Jesus (no where near), I know that I will continue to pray fervently and feverishly that this cup pass me by. But the more I suffer, the more I have to give.
Never have I felt more loved by God than I have in the past few days, when I finally wrapped my mind around this concept. I still do pray that each failed month of TTC be offered for a new life that would have been aborted or miscarried. It makes me feel good to think that my suffering is not only doing good for Jesus in heaven, but also good on earth.
Thank you, God. Thank you for this chance to show you just how much I love you. Thank you for showing me just how much you love me. Please hold my hand through this journey when times get tough, as I will surely need it.