Sunday, August 10, 2008

Spoke Too Soon

What's new? I think I'll invest in a Jump To Conclusions Mat, because I'm pretty sure I'd be the champion. Then again, I have been feeling like a no-talent ass clown lately. Say hello to Lumberg for me. (Sorry, once I start I can't stop sometimes.)

Well my semi-normal post-Peak phase has taken a turn for the weird. 1st sign (which I originally discounted) was an 8BLx1 on Thursday (P+5, and 4dpo). 8BL is tacky, brown, and lubricative. The reason I originally discounted it (still charted it, but also charted PCAD, pasty cloudy all day) was because this observation was made (TMI WARNING!!!!) after a BM, and I accidentally wiped past the anus on the first wipe. So I'm not really sure if it came from the 1st hole or the 2nd. (I know, I know, this is nasty, but ya know what? You don't have to read it.)

Then today, I had a 10GKL (stretchy, gummy, clear, lubricative) which was only slightly gummy. So I'm back to the post-Peak peak type mucus. Blech! I'm so done with yellow stamps!! But here I am complaining about yellow stamps and continuous mucus when I just had my VERY FIRST CD 14 Peak Day. How selfish can I be in one cycle? One step at a time, ...

Today's homily was great. We had the first reading from Kings, where the Lord was not present in the earthquake, the heavy winds, or the fire, but in the tiny whispering voice after all of these things. Then the Gospel was Jesus walking on the water, and saving Peter when his faith faltered. Clearly excellent readings for us infertiles, just on their own. But then Father's homily spoke about how people always want to attribute natural disasters to God (i.e. insurance companies call them an "Act of God."), but that this is not accurate. God is not in the disasters, but rather in the quiet before the storm, and the peace and serene afterwards. He then mentioned how people always say things are "God's will" when it's a negative thing, like cancer. Illness is not God's will. I have to remember that, and remember the Gospel. So often I try to get through these failed months by saying to myself, "It is God's will that I not be pregnant now." Well, that's just not true! I truly feel, today especially, that God WANTS us to be pregnant! And when we attribute our illness, our failures, to God's will, we are faltering just as Peter did on that Sea. I need to embrace this cross, yes. But I also need to do it with FAITH and HOPE.

I think I've written enough to ponder on today. 'Til next time!


Karey said...

This topic always confuses me, because I feel like I've read Catholic writings on both sides - some that say what your priest says, while some say suffering is from God. And if God gives us our cross to bear, then isn't that Him giving us the suffering? I'm confused!!

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

Excellent point. I guess this is why there are theologians, lol! I "think" (maybe) that the tools we are given to deal with the suffering are the gifts from God... and that in suffering the right way, we are giving something back to Him. And really, if I think hard about it (which is hard to do on a Sunday evening, lol!), the situation itself may have been given to us from God... but the suffering is really my choice, given free will. I don't HAVE to suffer with infertility, but because of my Type A, wanna-be-mother-more-than-anything personality, I do suffer. IDK, that's just my take on it today, it evolves every day!

Definately a complex matter, this suffering stuff.

andnotbysight said...

OK, this is going to drive me nuts! Where does the Jump to Conclusions mat come from? :)

andnotbysight said...

OK, I googled it--Office Space, of course!

And (you can tell I've never taken a theology class here) I feel like the idea is that we suffer because of the fall--because of sinfulness in general, right? So, since there is sin in the world, we suffer, but God can use that suffering to bring us closer to him, and our perseverance in the face of suffering can strengthen our faith? Am I making any sense? I think I probably just need to sleep! :)

Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...

That makes total sense. I think I just have to make a more concerted effort to see God in the good more than in the bad. Like, instead of attributing my IF to His will, I should see how He helped me learn the CrMS before I got married, put me 25 mins from a NaPro Dr, made me a CrMS Practitioner, etc. etc. Not to mention the excellent insurance coverage for my surgery (that has been the biggest miracle thus far!)
Thanks for the thoughts.