I just had a breakdown. Well, I guess I'm still in the middle of it, but I'm just not sobbing at the moment. I've been avoiding my mother's phone calls the past couple of days, but spoke to her briefly yesterday. Today she left me a message saying she's been worried about me all day since she sensed in my voice that something was wrong. Well, I just lost it. Called her back, and we spoke for an hour about all of the turmoil that has become my life as of late. One thing I haven't talked about much in this blog (since it's a blog about IF) is our finances. We are in a VERY bad place financially right now. DH is in a business with his father, so we have no actual income except for the profit that comes when jobs are signed. For the past few months, no jobs have been signed. Our savings has crumbled to the ground. And the scariest part is that summer is supposed to be their good season.
I told my mom that I can handle (maybe not successfully, but at least somewhat) one major life trauma at a time. But it seems like EVERYTHING has been going to the pooper lately. I am in a very bad place mentally, too, ever since reaching that 2 year mark. I have felt like I'm suffocating, and without knowing there's an end in sight, I feel like I'll never make it. Which is why I recently forced my husband to agree to look into adoption come 2009. But now? Things are even worse on the whole family/adoption front, because if we have to do a homestudy, no one in their right mind would approve a couple that has no money in savings or checking accounts, and no dependable income. Five months post-surgery, I have face the reality that maybe I will never have biological children. And with our financial situation, we may not be able to adopt now... or ever. So where does that leave me? In the middle of a breakdown.
My mom suggested I talk to someone who can TRULY understand what I'm feeling, and also offer sound professional advice. My last therapist (albeit short-lived) was not Catholic, and along with her snide remarks about 14 months "not being a very long time" to TTC, probably also wondered why we didn't just try artificial insemination or IVF. And priests, etc., as loving and caring as they are, don't have the medical know-how to truly give me the guidance I need right now. I suddenly remembered Sister Renee at the Pope Paul VI Institute. I seemed to remember reading and/or hearing that she counsels IF couples. I just called and left her a message, and hopefully we can speak over the phone this week. I'll let you know how it goes.