Monday, July 14, 2008


Or maybe I should call it, "My Second Home." The woman who never recognizes me (after almost 2 years of monthly b/w), has finally made the connection that yes, this is the girl who comes in every month at least once, who I always ask are you trying to get pregnant and she always says yes. So after greeting me by name, I get called in to fill in the paperwork with the new guy. I had a new standing order for 6 months of P+7 b/w (I think this is my 3rd standing order). And man. Did it ever hit home to hear him say, "OK, so this is good through January." Holy crap!! JANUARY?!?!?! I hope to God I'm not still coming in for P+7 b/w in JANUARY! But at this rate, it's highly likely I will be. How depressing is that?

At one of my follow-ups with a new client the other day, they mentioned that friends of theirs were having a baby (of course they are, isn't everybody??) And then the husband said something along the lines of, "Yeah they have about a month to go... no, wait, more than that. Their due date is September 15." Ouch. OK, so I know I didn't miscarry, and I have absolutely no right to get emotional over this, but when I had my false + hpt in January, my EDD was September 15. Exactly smack in the middle of the month. A little Virgo baby as my first child, just like my mom and dad's first (born Sept. 12). It dawned on me that I would be pretty huge by now... only 2 months to go. And yet I can't even mourn the loss of the child that "should" have been mine, because I didn't have a loss. I can't memorialize the life I never had inside of me. I can't miss that little baby that I invented in my mind. I can't say that technically, I AM a mommy, but my child is in heaven.

I would never wish for a miscarriage. And if I could go back to that fateful day (January 9th), I wouldn't wish that it were a real pregnancy and an early loss... I would just not test. But the more time that passes with no pregnancies whatsoever is eating away (faster and faster, it seems) at my hope.

It didn't help that yesterday's readings in Mass were all about the fertile soil, fruitful vines, and analogies to God's children. Life, all life, was created to be fertile. And I know, the whole point of the readings was not procreation but rather how we spread the word of God when it is planted inside of us. But how much more "fertile" could I be in spreading God's good news if I could pass it along to my children? I just feel like my body and soul do not work the way they were designed to... and people say (non-infertiles, of course) that having children is not the be-all and end-all to life. Well, it's a good darn thing I'm not Eve, s'all I'm saying! Can you imagine? The first woman on Earth- can't reproduce.

Forgive my crummy mood today. DH decided not to do the Consecration with me again. (He refused last year, too.) I really wish I had a more devout husband. I guess I shouldn't complain, because when we were just starting to date, he didn't go to Church or practice his faith at all. He has come a long way. And he prays in a very different way than I do- - he doesn't seem to like all the structured prayers. So maybe I shouldn't force this on him. But I was just really upset about it last night when I began by myself. I feel like praying TOGETHER as man and wife is so much more powerful than just me.

Anyway. Hopefully I'll be out of this funk soon. On the TTC/2WW front, I've now had 3 days in a row of barely stretchy (tacky on the 2nd stretch), cloudy or clear mucus. 2 days it was gummy. I had this kind of stuff in my 2WW the first cycle of trying after surgery. I'm more than likely out this cycle... which is probably another reason for my depression as of late. I just want my baby. Is that too much to ask??


itwasthen said...

I can totally relate to that sense of "different types of spiritual lives" between me and my dh. I, like you, tend to really like to do novenas, etc, and he's more into free-form prayer. All through this IF journey so far, he has agreed to a few of my structured prayers, but I've done some on my own b/c he wasn't as interested in doing those (it's uncomfortable and hard for him). We pray together about it everyday, but in a more "conversational with God" type of way.

LifeHopes said...

I really really hope you get your BFP soon!

Hang in there!

Karey said...

I'm sorry about your husband not doing the consecration. Maybe just keep praying that he decides to join you sooner or later.

By the way, when I read the beginning of your post I got jealous because I'm just the opposite.. I never have doctors order bloodwork! I would be so excited if I had it ordered through January. Just think, you will know specific information about your cycle each month (rather than like me and doing nothing for four months between dr appts). And hopefully you won't need it come January!