I know. I was confused too!
Last night I asked DH to take me out. Just out. I needed to get away, I was feeling much too sorry for myself. (Today, by the way, is CD1... so the irritability, depression, etc. all makes total sense now.)
We went to Blockbuster to rent a few movies. First I came across a film "Conversations with God" based on the best-seller from Neale Walsh. Then I stumbled across "Therese," the true story of Therese of Lisieux. (As you may recall, she is my patron Saint, whose name I chose at Confirmation.)
Last night I watched Conversations with God. A modern-day man who loses everything in his life, and yet comes out of it happy and successful, because he finally listens to what God is telling him. (It was like a modern-day Book of Job.) The words that resonated the most with me from this film were, "Suffering is not about the events itself. It is all in how you react to those events. What you are feeling is everything." Have I been choosing all along to suffer? Something for me to think about. All in all, it was a feel-good movie (the book is most likely better), and definately lifted my spirits. Also made me want to watch "The Secret" again... which also has a great message, I just wish they would give GOD more credit, instead of The Universe. (Who do they think created The Universe, anyway?!) But I digress.
Today, as DH is busy catering a wedding (did I ever mention he is a chef?- - it's not his main job anyway, he owns and operates a construction company with his father, but he is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, and probably the best chef ever. No I'm not biased.) - I watched Therese. What a beautiful movie! I have already read The Story of a Soul, but it's been a while... and this just reminded me how little and weak we are in the grand scheme of things. My desire for a baby has clouded my better judgement... and my faith. I know that recently I've been struggling with the ability to hand this burden over to Jesus. But now I think I have a better understanding of what that is really about. In small steps, and in little ways, I can continue to "hand it over" to Him a little every day. For example, today- as a new cycle commences and my hopes for THIS baby are subdued- I can offer that cycle's failure for Jesus' suffering on the Cross. My wallowing, complaining, and feeling sorry for myself only separates me even more from God.
A large part of this new understanding came to me as I realized that I am a contribution, a living soul, in this world. Sounds silly, but through this whole infertility journey I've just been concentrating so much on how MY contribution was meant to be my children, and THAT is how I was supposed to help the world. But what if, in turn, MY children were to experience infertility? Would I want them to give up altogether, throw in the towel, pray selfishly month after month, and suffer a horrible depression when things didn't work in their favor? Of course not. I would want them to be happy, yes. But I would want them to know their soul's worth. Their fertility is not where their spirit lies. Nor is my fertility where my spirit lies. And I think just like a blind man often has acute hearing, or a woman with only one hand can use it quicker than most people use two... I am meant to become spiritually stronger due to my physical "challenge."
This all sounds wonderful now, of course. I know that the road will get rocky from time to time again, and I'll feel broken, crushed, and without purpose. But that's when I have to pray my hardest for guidance and "offer it up" to God.
So what does this mean for my TTC? Will I still take my Femara tomorrow? Yes I will. Will I still use fertile days for intercourse? Yes I will. But only in cooperation with God's will. I KNOW I won't get pregnant unless/until God wills it. So I will do my part, my DH will do his part, and when God decides the time is right, He will do His part. I can't ask for anything more than that.
Thanks for reading if you got this far!