Wednesday, May 7, 2008

OK, so I've always had a dislike for stupid people... but trust me, after almost two years of infertility (well, probably more like 10 years, but I wasn't trying to conceive during most of them), I hate stupid people even more than I hate seeing a negative hpt. I will never be able to remember all of the worst comments that have been made in my presence, or even directly to me, but here's a list of some of the "best" ones, and the responses I wish I had made:

(from a 60 yr-old substitute in our classroom, helping wrap the kids' presents before Christmas):
"Well, you can tell THIS one doesn't have kids, she doesn't know how to wrap!!"
wishful response: "Not every woman without children is living that way by choice, so maybe you should think before you open your mouth next time."

(from the lead teacher in my classroom, who knows exactly what I'm going through, about a careless Mom of one of our students):
"And she adopted her 2 kids! I tell ya, God knew what He was doing when he wouldn't give her children!"
wishful response: "Well, then. I suppose you think He's giving me a message, too?"

(from a co-worker last year, whom I had told I was TTC, then about 6 months later asked her about early pregnancy symptoms):
"OH, are you STILL trying??!"
wishful response: "You're right. You're absolutely right. I am a walking failure, and I should have given up by now, shouldn't I have? Six months after all is an insane amount of time to try to get pregnant. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways."

(from a close friend, while pregnant with her second 'easy' pregnancy):
"So I told the Dr, my body was just MADE for making babies!"
wishful response: "That's wonderful, really. As if I didn't feel bad enough as a woman who can't reproduce, who can't perform the most basic of human functions, thank you for reminding me how inferior my body is to yours and those of the rest of the living, breathing women in the world."

(from my sister): "God will give you a baby when He's good and ready for you to start your family."
wishful response: "Ah, yes, you're right. I forgot, God CHOSE for Britney Spears to have children, since she was clearly more ready than I am... not to mention the millions of babies he chooses to send to the women who abort them... or those children He gives to people whose marriages are doomed to fail. So God wants to see children living through divorce, abuse, and worse, is that it?"

(from my mother, early in our marriage when I told her I had started seeing a NaPro Technology Dr.):
"That's a little ridiculous, don't you think? It's only been 3 months that you've been trying!"
wishful response: "I suppose I should wait until I've been trying for a year before I even begin to try finding the cause of my health issues? If my lungs weren't functioning properly, would you suggest I wait a year to see someone about it? I've been charting my cycles for over 6 months, and I've seen how whacky they are- unusual bleeding, NO luteal phase, estrogen peaking and dropping at random... but I guess I should just continue to let my underlying disease go unnoticed, because I haven't been trying to have a baby longer than some people."

(from many different family members and friends):
"Just be thankful you haven't had a miscarriage."
wishful response: "I'm extremely grateful that I have not had to suffer a loss of that nature, and especially after seeing so many close friends go through one, I know how devastating that would be... but don't you think I suffer a 'loss' in my own way every month? Don't you think that as I sit and hum to the baby I can almost FEEL inside me, wrapping my belly in one of the many baby blankets I've knitted for him/her, and rejoicing in all of the 'symptoms' I feel over 2 wks of every month, that I experience a big LOSS when my period comes, yet again? Don't get me wrong, I don't wish for a miscarriage... but there is something very, VERY scary about infertility with no history of any pregnancies. I do not have the solid faith that I will and can get pregnant 'again.'"

(from pretty much everyone): "Just enjoy your marriage and your husband while you can."
wishful response: "I do enjoy my marriage, thank you! And I intend to enjoy it for the rest of my life! But I also took vows on my wedding day that I would raise children in our faith... and I have built my life around doing just that."

(again, from just about everyone): "You're still so young, you have nothing to worry about!"
wishful response: "Am I missing something? Is there some unknown statistic that says women get more and more fertile with age?? Because here I am thinking that my chances of success are only going to worsen as I get older, and if I'm having problems NOW, I'm pretty much up the creek! Think about it, people! Infertility is even MORE serious in youth, it means there is a substantial organic health issue that needs to be corrected!!"

(from friends and strangers alike- - you knew this one was coming...):
"Maybe if you just relax and let it happen..."
wishful response: "Oh, man! Where were you 2 years ago when I started spending $300+ every month on medication to help me ovulate, to stabilize my thyroid hormone, and correct my insulin resistance? And where were you when we wasted all kinds of money on the various injections I needed to start my period, or to support my progesterone levels? And the dozens of procedures and tests we've had to show that I do indeed have poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and thyroid dysfunction? And then the real clincher- the $7,000+ for my surgery that we are still paying for... darn it! If I had only known that relaxing would have removed my endometriosis, cleared my fallopian tubes, and cured my PCOS, I would have tried it sooner! Thank you for telling me what I've been doing wrong, it's not like I've felt guilty in the first place for not being able to give my husband children... now on top of the stress caused by my infertility (not the other way around, mind you), I'm worried that perhaps it's been my fault all along because I can't "relax.""

So, I get a little bitter from time to time! I just hope this blog has a happy ending sometime soon...


andnotbysight said...

Wow! Don't you hate those comments? I haven't told many people, so I don't get too many of those. But I do get asked whether I want kids, whether we're trying, whether I'm pregnant (!) (this from non-Catholics who know I'm Catholic and started asking the first time they saw me after the wedding) all the time . . .

It's wild--your positive HPT was the day after I got my positive blood test result. I'm praying it works out better for both of us next time!

mel said...

Wow, you wrote so much of exactly how I feel and have felt for the past 2 years. Im 29, Ive never been pregnant but definately feel like I possibly could have been considered infertile for the past 10 years since I was never trying before.

I hate stupid people too! I'll be going to see some in laws later today and the hubby and I have been preparing ourselves for the stupid comments all morning.

Good luck with everything!