Thursday, May 22, 2008

Interesting Move, God...

Wow. Today has been... interesting.

So most of you know by now that I was a Kindergarten Teacher at a Catholic School (such an ideal job!) before I got married, and once I left "to have children," it became impossible to find placement anywhere. I worked in a daycare for 6 wk olds- 2 1/2 yr olds that first year, thinking, "Oh, this will give me more experience with babies before I have one." I had already nannied before, but at least the thought kept me from feeling completely low on myself for not being able to find a teaching job. Then I got a job at the local public elementary school this year. I'm little more than a serf. I am a "Special Education Aide" in the Kindergarten room, 5 hrs/day.

So, what better opportunity for me to a) get surgery this year, and b) do the Creighton Model training, since, hey, it's not like what I do at work is rocket science. Any sub off the street could manage quite fine. Plus, no lesson plans and assessments to worry about.

Let me back up a bit and explain a bit about my work ethic. I was fully planning on going back to work the Monday after my surgery (this with a 5-inch incision in my lower abdomen and the inability to walk erect). However, the Dr. gave me explicit orders (and a note) saying I must not return for 2 weeks. I felt sooo incredibly guilty the entire time I was recuperating, and my husband had to keep reminding me that my first priority is to our family. My surgery was FOR my family, and here I am worried about a position I get paid so little for I'm embarrassed to even admit it here. I knew I would have to take another week off in May (last week) for this course, too... but I had already paid $3,000 to do it. I spoke to my Dr about this (I actually asked if he would be able to write a note saying I needed stitches removed or something), but he told me that I should view the Creighton Model training as a calling from God (as it is), and that unless I viewed being an Aide as my "career," I shouldn't feel guilty about taking time away to better myself and my Church.

Well. Having gone to Public School for 13 years, I probably should have known better. Today, I was fired. Well, technically, my contract for next year was reneged. The part that irks me the most is that my "Supervisor" (who did the firing) has never seen me actually working. She has NO idea how much effort I put into this crappy job! I have always been a hard worker, because it's not about the job when you work in a school, it's about the kids. I go above and beyond for them (WELL beyond what my actual job description and responsibilities state).

I am just completely stunned right now. I've never been fired from anything before. This is clearly something that was meant to happen, but why now?? Why when money is at its lowest, and when I already feel like such a big failure in my personal life?? If this is God's way of closing one door so that another one will open and His will can be done, I only hope that the other door does indeed open!!

Then, as I come home and my husband comes over from his work to comfort me, I go to the bathroom and find light brown spotting mixed in with cloudy CM. Wiping again, I found stretchy cloudy/clear CM. (I recorded 10 C/B, even though the stretchy part wasn't brown... but I thought the "possible" bleeding was just as important to record as the peak-type). I am P+11 today. Way too early for premenstrual spotting (which I never have, anyway), and also too early for premenstrual mucus (endometrial fluid). Is this implantation mucus/bleeding?? Was this God's way of sending me a ray of hope in my darkest hour?? Someone please tell me how I'm to interpret these chain of events today!!!

I had printed out an application for teaching positions in the Diocese earlier this month... but never sent it out since I figured it'd just be easier to continue working 5 hrs/day next year in a mindless job; that way I could concentrate on building up my FertilityCare services. But I guess I'll send it out now. Man, this really sucks. I have never felt so worthless :(


Karey said...

I am SO sorry to hear that. I'm sure God has a plan, although we all know that sometimes it sure is hard to figure out where he's going with everything! Trusting him in times like this is hard, but I guess it's when we can really show him how faithful we are.

That spotting could be a good sign! I had the same thing happen a couple cycles ago and it was the closest I've been to thinking there might be a chance. Obviously, we know how it turned out with me (I've heard it might be low progesterone?) but I hope it works out much better for you!

Unknown said...

I just sent you an email, but wanted you to know that I'm praying for you sweetie. I'm so sorry that happened. Their loss! ((HUGS))!