Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I'm Sorry...

That apology is intended for God. I couldn't help myself and went to "" today. (I haven't visited that site in over 6 months, if not longer.) I just can't help obsessing as I get closer to a possible testing date... especially since I feel like all of the cards were lined up perfectly this cycle. It's my first cycle post-surgery, I had the perfect mucus cycle score, and we selected P-5, P-2, P-1, and Peak Day. We didn't select any days in the count of 3, but that's because I am 99% sure I did ovulate the night before my Peak or the morning of my Peak (Mother's Day). And it's not like I have such amazing symptoms right now, but I just couldn't keep from checking out those early pregnancy symptoms that other women have recorded.

I'm sorry, God. I know that you want me to stop obsessing so much about things, and to offer up my sufferings and obsessions to you. My spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak... I just can't stop yearning for your most precious gift, the gift of life. No matter how hard I try, I always find myself looking for signs of that gift during my two week waits. This doesn't mean I begrudge my cross, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade it now, if you offered me the opportunity to go back to my honeymoon and conceive on our first month of trying. (That sounds like the biggest, fattest lie EVER, I know... but I honestly cherish these years, and the humbling that it has taught me.) I am so blessed that you have chosen me, and my husband, to help your beloved Son carry His cross. And I know that you have a plan for us. Oh, but God, you formed me before I was born, and you know how I overanalyze everything. I just cannot help reading into every tiny little twinge, zit, ache of the breast, yawn, and wave of nausea. (OK, so maybe today's wave of nausea was due to the 5 vitamins I took with a sip of iced tea on an empty stomach, lol!)

I cannot promise that the obsessing will cease. It's just my nature. And I most likely will still be disappointed when my period arrives (due on Memorial Day, no white pants for me that week). But I'll move on, as I always do, and I will continue to embrace this cross. Why? Because You have asked me to do so. And I will do anything that You ask me to do.


Karey said...

I am the same way. I feel guilty when I post about minute details. I know I shouldn't be obsessing, looking into every possible sign, or overanalyzing what may be wrong with me. It's not only a waste of time, but it is just me being impatient (which I'm trying to work on). It is my nature, too, but I think I do need to resist the temptation and give it up to God. Thanks for the reminder!

This cycle sounds really good for you. I'll keep praying!

LifeHopes said...

I am totally with you. How much time and energy I have wasted on obsessing!

And for some reason it always turns out the same.

Your faith and humility are a true sign of your love for Christ.

I am praying for all of us.